Shield Maiden

What is a shield maiden? A shield maiden was a woman that chose to fight as a warrior amongst the men. I believe that the mentality of a shield maiden, is similiar to a modern day soldier or police officer. It is a calling. I am not sure why it was my calling, but it was and I am proud of who I was as an officer. I was and still am a Warrior. I don't work the road anymore, but I did my time and I was good at what I did. I am proud of my career. It was a hard choice to end it, and I struggled for a very long time, but have come to terms with it and have made my piece with my decision. 

 I saw a post today that resonated with me and why many of us struggle with the way we feel and act. It made alot of sense. "Since we have had the ability to hold a number two pencil, we have been programmed to have answers. We were praised if we did and shamed if we didn't. Our knowledge of answers were measured by percentages and letter grades. Then we grow up and life comes at us, and we realize that we don't have all the answers. This creates anxiety, we internalize and believe there is something wrong with us or our lives" I have struggled lately trying to define my "truth". I have been actively seeking what it is I am meant to do with my life now, because what I am doing is not cutting it anymore. I was not meant to sit at a desk. I need to be out, helping people, that's my calling and my truth. Life is about seeking truth. This call to action is what allows you to go through your own inner journey and in that process, shedding, growth, revelations and learning. Seeking what is honest to you is what will evolve you, position you and give your life meaning. NOT having all the answers. It's okay not to know. Just do what's honest to you. "My truth will never lead to regret". It's now my time! It's my time to tell my story, and all the shit I have been through, everything I have overcome, the heartbreaks, the hardships, what I need to rebuild, re-learn. I have been through hell, and guess what I survived. I am a warrior and the many years I didn't believe that were hard, but I am and I have served and saved. 

 As it says in Romans 8:28 "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose". ALL THINGS - that includes my mistakes and my failures - can work together. I have come to accept that the hell I walked through, the trials I have been given, and the path I have been on, have all come together to make me the Warrior, Queen, Shieldmaiden, soldier, mother, wife, friend,etc. that I am today. I know I was good in my calling in Law Enforcement because of my fire I walked through. I know my experience of addiction and going to rehab had built my character and more patient, loving and understanding. I used to be very judgemental, however I have come to realize that everyone has their story, their "truth" that they are living! I am blessed with a small circle of trustworthy people in my life that never gave up on me, that believed in me and brought back my Warrior Attitude. Now it's my time to reach out to others that are in that same situation.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same

WOW, is that powerful or what? I seriously love this quote by Maryann Williams and have decided that is my 2021 motto. I have chosen my word for the year and it is RISE! I will rise up to the Warrior that I know I am. I have remembered who I am and the game is about to change! I am working on forgiving those that have done me wrong. I am doing this for ME and not them. I decided it's time to let go and prevent their behavior from destroying my heart! It was exhausting and my soul was crying out to me for peace! I am healing from the damage, however it no longer controls my life! I cannot continue my journey and future growth with baggage, and ill feelings. I will no longer act like a victim and thankful for friends that arent afraid to tell me outloud that I was acting like one! My wounds were not my fault, however my healing is my responsibility and my charge. 

 I know that my story needs to be told. It has been said to me that I am too much of an "open book", however, I know without a doubt, that if someone would have shared their story with me, especially early on in my career, I believe I would have handled some situations differently. If someone would have told me, it's okay to ask for help, it's not weakness, it's courageous, I would have saved myself and my family alot of heartache! I know that when I tell the story of the mountains I have climbed and fire I have walked through, it could become a page in someone else's survival guide! So here is to me. To working on me. To giving myself permission to work on ME! To look in the mirror each day and absolutely love who I am! Who I have become and who I will continue to become! I am looking forward to my journey!

Level Up and Rise Up

The last few days I have had a chance to engage in some pretty deep conversations with my sweet husband. He is at a crossroads right now and it's time to make a decision regarding his career and future. For many months he has prayed that he would be given an opportunity for a new job, one that would allow him to grow and develope. His job right now was only supposed to be temporary and he is now two years into it. There is no where to go, no growth, no future. One night while working at Maverick, he overheard two men talking. One of the men was a manager for the new Panda Express that has just opened here. Lipe overheard him telling the other man that they were looking for good people to come work there, someone that was not afraid of hard work and someone that wanted to take their career to the next level. Lipe jumped in on that conversation and expressed his interest in that position. He didn't even really know what the "position" was, but knew at that moment, this could be an answer to his prayers. He had a conversation with the manager and was told how to go about applying online. Within a few hours, Lipe completed that application. He called me at work and was very excited. When he told me that he was being asked to come in later that morning for a "second" interview, I was confused and asked him "when was the first one"? He laughed and said, "apparantly when I was working at Maverick and he talked to me, that was the first one"! The next few days were a whirlwind of completing paperwork, shopping for uniforms and I knew something was different about this whole process when I found out that the manager met him at the Virgin River Cafe one morning to buy Lipe breakfast, and they talked ALOT about what Panda could offer my husband, it he wanted it bad enough. I have never seen someone take an interest in a future employee and I have found that this guy has been just what my husband has needed. Someone to give him the knowledge, skills and courage to press forward with something new. They initially decided to start him working four days a week and he would work around his other full time job. Lipe's "position" was the absolute bottome of the barrell, however with his manager by his side, he is already learning so much. They have talked alot about how a good manager has to know ALL of the positions, and it's an even better manager if they too started at the bottom. I have seen a change in my sweet husband, he doesn't see it yet because when it's time to step out of his comfort zone and learn the new position, he is nervous. He sees the others that have been doing it for many years and how fast they work. He feels slow, clumsy and akward. I keep reminding him that we have all been there when starting a new job. He has been working 80 hours a week now for the last 6 weeks. He is exhausted, but has not waivered. He is such a hard worker, but it's time to make a decision. His body needs rest, he is mentally exhausted, and when that mental exhaustion sets in, mistakes are made. I finally dug deep enough and found out that the biggest thing holding him back is fear. Fear of stepping out of that comfort zone, fear of the unknown and fear of being inadequite. We all have these fears. How often do we fail to reach our goals, because of fear. I have really enjoyed seeing the excitement in my husband that working around his manager has given him. One of the most important jobs as a leader is to "eliminate fear from the workplace". I have seen how Lipe has already grown by "Leveling up his associations", and I love seeing his self-esteem grow because someone became invested in him. Sometimes in life that's all we need, is just for one person to become invested in us. To show us that we we can do hard things and to believe in us. When we begin to feel that support it's amazing how far we can go. When we make that conscious decision to go to the next level, we have to see it, and the fastest way to see it is to be around people who are already there. What level do you want to get to? Is there someone standing in your way? Is it yourself? Choose one person that you want to associate yourself with and develope a realationship with that person. Are there toxic people in your life? People that don't understand your goals and dreams? Setema Gali states "If you have big dreams and aspirations, don't expect the world to understand you. They're average. How could they possibly understand your drive to be great ad to want something they hate? Ignore them and create your dreams". What are your dreams? Envision what you want, See it, surround yourself with positive people that will help you get there, and then go after it. Kia Kaha

Faith Over Fear

So I did a thing yesterday. I exercised my freedom to Vote. I am not going to lie, the feelings I had when I walked out of there were a mixture of pride, relief but most of all FEAR... a few weeks ago I saw my prophet stand in front of the world and remind us that if we are prepared and have faith there is no reason for fear... this election, pandemic and hatred that our world is seeing has really started to take its toll...when I hit that final step voting yesterday “SH&$” got real... I was definitely triggered and the fear rushed through my body, and the tears came rolling down my cheeks... my head began swirling with a hundred thoughts...”I didn’t feel prepared, have I done enough, am I a good person, what is going to happen if Biden wins? Will we lose our freedom? Will we become one of those countries we all hear about where the government is in complete control? What’s going to happen to my children?”

I saw my sweet husband sitting in the truck waiting for me and just like a small child when we are scared and see someone that protects us, I began to cry... I could see the look he was giving me, a look of confusion and as I climbed into the truck I blurted our how scared I am for the future...he comforted me but deep inside the fear continued to rise... we are only a few weeks away from this election and I have seen so many peoples demeanor change... I have seen good, decent people turn ugly towards their neighbor who has a different political view...I have seen them criticize and talk bad about friends and family who disagree about this pandemic and how it should be handled...Satan is hitting us very loud right now, the Holy Ghost is still that “Still Small Voice”, we are getting bombarded with the “LOUD” and chaos surrounding us!!! The stronger Satan is in our life is because he is fearful of us... he is having to be louder and fight harder to try and turn us...

I posted a pic of my sticker on FB that I voted and some of the fears I have been having... my sweet friend Christine reminded me and I quote: "The world is crumbling and I keep praying people will turn to Jesus, and pray for our leaders..I loved this quote in conference (This isn't about politics, it's about peace). All I can do is my part, and hoping we can bring a little more peace those in our homes and around us, all I have control over". 

I know that I need to just let go and let my heavenly father take the wheel. I need to lose the the weight of peoples opinions and remember that they have their agency just as I have mine. Something else I need to work on is "promoting what I love instead of bashing what I hate". I sometimes struggle with the people I work with bashing me and saying things behind my back, I tend to want to argue with them, but read something the other day that really resonated with me " Don't worry about those who talk behind your back. They're behind you for a reason"!!" My patrichael blessing says I will be a "woman among women, one that is looked up to by not only members of the church, but members of the community that you live in".

I am going to pray for my church leaders and the leaders of this country that I live in. I am proud that I served and although it was hard on me physically and mentally I would do it all over again.

I am choosing "Faith over Fear".

 

Strong Woman

 When you are perceived as a strong woman,  they assume you do not need anything or anyone and you can bear everything; and will overcome whatever happens.

When you are perceived as a strong woman, they just look to you to help them carry their burdens and when you share yours, the label you as negative. 

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or falling; or if she has anxiety or fear. 

The strong woman is not forgiven for anything. If she loses control, she becomes weak. If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical.

When a strong woman disappears for a moment, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is unappreciated.

But the strength that is needed every day, to be that kind of woman, is not noticed. 

Honor, recognize, respect and thank the strong women in your life, because they also need to be restrained, loved and feel that they can rest.

I am a strong woman. I am broken, I Laugh, Love and Live, I love my family and was raised by a strong woman. I am me, I am special and I am important. >3

FOR MY FRIEND RAB - I KNOW I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN

Lately I have had Becky on my mind, I am not sure, but I truly I believe I have felt her presence. I love this video and probably watched it 100 times this weekend just reminding myself that I know in my heart I will see her again. We had plans with our girls, they were going to play sports together and shop together and we would see movies together. When she passed away, I was devistated! Ana had been with her that day and the girls were supposed to travel to Flagstaff with her. They didn't want to go and she left them home with Bryce. I just cannot imagine what would have happened to those little girls when that accident happened. However I do know that they were spared for great things and I am so proud of them both. Moving away from Brylnee was hard, we latched onto each other and I love her so much. I sure did love her mom too and miss her alot! We fought so hard in Jr. High and High School because we were both way competitive but it also made us a great team. She coached Kyli to a Softball State Championship and Kyli and I were the first mother/daughter to have State Softball Trophies at the High School! 

RAB - Tattooed in ink on my foot with a dragonfly. Always a reminder of her. I love you and miss you like crazy.

See You Again

Wiz Khalifa

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

Damn, who knew?
All the planes we flew, good things we've been through
That I'll be standing right here
Talking to you 'bout another path
I know we loved to hit the road and laugh
But something told me that it wouldn't last
Had to switch up, look at things different, see the bigger picture
Those were the days, hard work forever pays
Now I see you in a better place (see you in a better place)
Uh

How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through, you were standing there by my side
And now you gon' be with me for the last ride

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again (I'll see you again)
We've come a long way (yeah, we came a long way) from where we began
(You know what we started)
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again (I'll tell you)
When I see you again

Aah oh, aah oh
Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
(Yeah)

First, you both go out your way and the vibe is feeling strong
And what's small turn to a friendship, a friendship turn to a bond
And that bond will never be broken, the love will never get lost (the love will never get lost)
And when brotherhood come first, then the line will never be crossed
Established it on our own when that line had to be drawn
And that line is what we reach
So remember me when I'm gone (remember me when I'm gone)

How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you gon' be with me for the last ride

So let the light guide your way, yeah
Hold every memory as you go
And every road you take
Will always lead you home, home

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

Aah oh, aah oh (uh)
(Yeah)
Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (yeah)
When I see you again (yeah, uh)
See you again (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh (uh huh)
When I see you again (yup)

Friday Night Lights

 In the midst of this pandemic, where schools here in NV are not open yet, and fall sports cancelled, this song makes me sad. Sad for our kids that have lost our on so much this year. Sad for the Seniors that lost their year when this started and sad for the current ones. Ana was planning on playing football. She got to attend a week of practice before we were told our superintendent pulled fall sports. It was heartbreaking. I know there is a lesson here, but dang it I am mad!!

I am so blessed to have grown up in a small town where Friday night football was big. So many memories of games and playing in the band. I loved watching football and supporting our team. So here ya go, Friday Night Lights in a tailgate town!! Missing my hometown right now...<3

Parts of Me - Reflection Page 35

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NOTE: I did not write the following, it is from a book entitled "Parts of Me" by Kimberley Z. Tent. However, I feel very connected to this Kimberley was a Canadian Royal Mountie and our careers seem to have been very similar. Her poetry spoke to me, however this one is pretty deep. 

 REFLECTION: I remember when, fire ripped through my chest, when there were no limits to my dreams. When, the wind tousled my hair, and when there was no measuring my miles. I remember when, the ocean invited me in, and when there was no holding me back, when the mirror smiled back at me and when there was no hatred or fear. I remember the first time I lost my way, and when there was a cocoon left behind. But through it all, I remember most, the day when my own reflection mattered. <3

Parts of Me - Mirror Mirror Page 33

NOTE: I did not write the following, it is from a book entitled "Parts of Me" by Kimberley Z. Tent. However, I feel very connected to this Kimberley was a Canadian Royal Mountie and our careers seem to have been very similar. Her poetry spoke to me, however this one is pretty deep.

Mirror, Mirror

Is this really born flesh staring back at me?

With darkened eyes and once glowing cheeks, mocking me in a paltry shade of goodbye?

Why does it cover aged, trembling palms, forcing me to remember a grim script of tightened wire, darkness and shame?

I've lost precious pieces of moments passed on, a beautiful canvas gone black over time, with covered limbs and memory fogged.

What does life mean, if it's partially gone, when jagged scraps are hidden under clay, of dragons, turmoil and childish desire.

Beware the sting of promises not kept, of scarlet tunic treachery and secrets held above steep ladders of false face, shadows of timeless abandonment, chained to the gut of a charcoal box, now rusted and floating south on a nameless river.

Will I ever recognize the image staring back at me? The one dreaming of a better place 'round the bend, and searching for truth in one single day?

Can unconditional love of self truly survive shared air within a society unjust, or do we surrender ourselves to daily checks - In bloodstained mirrors?

Broken 

When I look into the sky

See the sunshines ray of light, won't stay

When freedom wasn't hard to find, erased

I have no purpose here I see

What people say they make of me, I know

I used to be important here, but now i live in shame and fear

All day

CHORUS:

I just can't catch a break, no

I try so hard, oh

But the pains too great

The thoughts of self destruction fill my head

But I remember what he said

I am a WARRIOR through and through

No matter what, my heart bleeds BLUE, all day

I feel so trapped inside myself

The feelings that involve myself, are harsh

Why stick around here I'm not free

No one even tries to see, my side

The clouds of black are filled with pain

I've worked so hard to fix my name, again

All I want for you to do

I stand up along the way for me, oh for me

CHORUS:

I just can't catch a break, no

I try so hard, oh

But the pains too great

The thoughts of self destruction fill my head

But I remember what he said

I am a WARRIOR through and through

No matter what, my heart bleeds BLUE, all day

THE MESSAGE

THE MESSAGE

What is the message here,

as I try to understand

One thing I know for certain,

is it's all part of God's Plan.

I see the chaos all around me,

people living scared and in fear

But if everyone would just "slow down",

we could hear the message loud and clear.

It's a tale, for told by the Master himself, 

that if he disappears from this world, we will know

It's all there in the plan he has laid out

Right now, we're seeing "The Show".

It doesn't have to be scary, fearful or gloomy

we just need to slow down and listen and breathe

It's time to remember those feelings of LOVE

and rid the selfishness, hoarding and GREED.

When a tear falls, for those that have suffered,

when you bow your head to pray

PRAY for your brother, your neighbor, your country

PRAY that this divide with our brothers will all go away.

Reach out to those you may not agree with

Reach out to those that need an extra hand

Mend those relationships that have gone astray

Let's bring LOVE and HOPE back to this land.

There's a message, do you hear it?

Slow down, breathe, pray and LOVE

and when your heart beats fast and you're feeling scared

Fall to your knees, and look up above.

HE'S THERE! He always has been,

we've forgotten with our "worldly ways"

There's a message, do you see it?

Include him, listen and obey.

KT 3/21/2020

Beautiful

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same” ☀️
-
How many of you hold back from being your true self because you fear judgment? 🙋🏼‍♀️ I was once there. It’s not a fun place to be. People can be cruel, bitter, and down right nasty. Which makes it very difficult to want to come out of your shell🐢
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“Our deepest fear is not that we’re inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?! You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”
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YOU are an amazing and beautiful human. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Don’t let social media, opinions of family, friends, ANYONE, hold you back from letting your light shine 💜💜