Shield Maiden

What is a shield maiden? A shield maiden was a woman that chose to fight as a warrior amongst the men. I believe that the mentality of a shield maiden, is similiar to a modern day soldier or police officer. It is a calling. I am not sure why it was my calling, but it was and I am proud of who I was as an officer. I was and still am a Warrior. I don't work the road anymore, but I did my time and I was good at what I did. I am proud of my career. It was a hard choice to end it, and I struggled for a very long time, but have come to terms with it and have made my piece with my decision. 

 I saw a post today that resonated with me and why many of us struggle with the way we feel and act. It made alot of sense. "Since we have had the ability to hold a number two pencil, we have been programmed to have answers. We were praised if we did and shamed if we didn't. Our knowledge of answers were measured by percentages and letter grades. Then we grow up and life comes at us, and we realize that we don't have all the answers. This creates anxiety, we internalize and believe there is something wrong with us or our lives" I have struggled lately trying to define my "truth". I have been actively seeking what it is I am meant to do with my life now, because what I am doing is not cutting it anymore. I was not meant to sit at a desk. I need to be out, helping people, that's my calling and my truth. Life is about seeking truth. This call to action is what allows you to go through your own inner journey and in that process, shedding, growth, revelations and learning. Seeking what is honest to you is what will evolve you, position you and give your life meaning. NOT having all the answers. It's okay not to know. Just do what's honest to you. "My truth will never lead to regret". It's now my time! It's my time to tell my story, and all the shit I have been through, everything I have overcome, the heartbreaks, the hardships, what I need to rebuild, re-learn. I have been through hell, and guess what I survived. I am a warrior and the many years I didn't believe that were hard, but I am and I have served and saved. 

 As it says in Romans 8:28 "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose". ALL THINGS - that includes my mistakes and my failures - can work together. I have come to accept that the hell I walked through, the trials I have been given, and the path I have been on, have all come together to make me the Warrior, Queen, Shieldmaiden, soldier, mother, wife, friend,etc. that I am today. I know I was good in my calling in Law Enforcement because of my fire I walked through. I know my experience of addiction and going to rehab had built my character and more patient, loving and understanding. I used to be very judgemental, however I have come to realize that everyone has their story, their "truth" that they are living! I am blessed with a small circle of trustworthy people in my life that never gave up on me, that believed in me and brought back my Warrior Attitude. Now it's my time to reach out to others that are in that same situation.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same

WOW, is that powerful or what? I seriously love this quote by Maryann Williams and have decided that is my 2021 motto. I have chosen my word for the year and it is RISE! I will rise up to the Warrior that I know I am. I have remembered who I am and the game is about to change! I am working on forgiving those that have done me wrong. I am doing this for ME and not them. I decided it's time to let go and prevent their behavior from destroying my heart! It was exhausting and my soul was crying out to me for peace! I am healing from the damage, however it no longer controls my life! I cannot continue my journey and future growth with baggage, and ill feelings. I will no longer act like a victim and thankful for friends that arent afraid to tell me outloud that I was acting like one! My wounds were not my fault, however my healing is my responsibility and my charge. 

 I know that my story needs to be told. It has been said to me that I am too much of an "open book", however, I know without a doubt, that if someone would have shared their story with me, especially early on in my career, I believe I would have handled some situations differently. If someone would have told me, it's okay to ask for help, it's not weakness, it's courageous, I would have saved myself and my family alot of heartache! I know that when I tell the story of the mountains I have climbed and fire I have walked through, it could become a page in someone else's survival guide! So here is to me. To working on me. To giving myself permission to work on ME! To look in the mirror each day and absolutely love who I am! Who I have become and who I will continue to become! I am looking forward to my journey!