Monsters

Ok so I want to take a minute and share something very personal that somewhat makes me a bit vulnerable, but needs to be said. Please understand I am not writing this because I want any attention or recognition. Its a struggle I live with everyday, but there are so many others that do too and this is for them. I just need to let those that are struggling that there is help out there and there is HOPE. There are ways out of that pit of hell that some may find themselves in and I just want to share. Today is my "sobriety" Birthday. Honestly it has become a more special day than the day I came to this earth. It is a day that I was given a second chance to come out of that hell that I was in and begin to rebuild and heal. I still have such a long way to go and may never completely be there, but I do know I was given a second chance at life and had I not finally opened up and asked for help (which I thought I couldn't do because it would make me look "weak" and being a cop I could not do that). So if your struggling with addiction of any kind, depression, PTSD, whatever it is or maybe all three, there is help and hope out there and it does not show a lack of "courage" to ask for help, it actually makes you more courageous, because "it takes a village" and we cant always do everything on our own. Sometimes we are full of strength and are there for those that need us in their lives at that time, but other times we have to sit back and accept the help that others can give us, and asking is one of the first steps after we admit we have a problem. This is written for all those that are struggling. That have ghosts that haunt them. That are always lurking in the background just waiting for that one moment of weakness, so they can swoop in and knock you down.
I cannot begin to list everyone that has been with me on my journey. Not only my journey to sobriety, but my struggles with breaking down, moving to a new place, starting a new job, leaving behind friends and family, making new friends, being able to be there to help spread the word to first responders, and moving on and up in my career. This is for my family and those people that were placed into my life when it was my turn to ask for help.

Monsters
I thought about you today
In fact I think about you everyday
You are still there, lurking, waiting for that moment of weakness
That moment I let my guard down
That moment I am begging just to be able to sleep
To get the monsters out of my head
For just a few moments of peace
I fight you everyday
I am exhausted, please just go away for a few moments and let me rest
I don't want you anymore
You need to know that
I am not the same person you crept up on when you stole my mind and soul
I was weak, weak from the monsters that filled my head
Weak from the images one should not have to see
Weak from the smells one should not have to smell
Weak from the screams and cries one should not have to hear
Those monsters live, but your are a bigger monster
I couldn't fight you at the time
You disguised yourself as my friend
Someone who could give me peace, get me out of my head
Allow me to rest
Then you crept in and stole me
I was too weak to fight
I just wanted it all to end
It would be better for everyone
For me to just go away, disappear
I wondered around in the dark, breaking apart piece by piece
Was I a soul worth fighting for?
Well I fought, I fought hard and I still fight every single day
I fight for my life, my worth, my strength and courage
I fight to be with those I love
I fight to be an example to my brothers and sisters in blue and red
I fight you when I am at my strongest
I fight you when I am at my weakest
But I will win
I will remain strong
I will not only win, but I will go home at the end of the day
Because I am courageous and I am worth it.
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