Feed My Sheep

Matthew 18, 12-14

12. If a man have an hundred sheep and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray.
13. And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.
14. Even so it is not the will of your father which is in Heaven, that one of these "little ones" should perish.

So, sheep, have been on my mind for the last few days. Let me just start by saying that my life has been crazy the last few months and that is a whole other blog, but the result has been me having self esteem issues, anxiety and just trying to figure out who I am. I have been struggling a bit lately with where I fit in with my heavenly father. I know he loves me and blesses me each day, and I know that he is there for me, but let me just say I had an experience involving a sheep that at first was pretty devistating but now I look back on it and see that there was a huge lesson to be learned and that I know my heavenly father loves me and is always there for me "no matter what'.

It all started out when I was at work and there was a livestock truck that came to the port of entry. I was working with Chris and I observed that there was a sheep sticking it's head out of the top of the trailer. Its mouth was open and I could see its tongue hanging out, I thought it was dead up there. I saw the driver and pointed out the sheep. He told me that it was just hot and was trying to get some air. I didn't think too much more about it. Livestock trucks come throught he port all the time and although I know that the animals are going to slaughter, I don't really think too much about it. Well I try not to I guess. It's pretty sad actually.

A few minutes later I was looking outside behind the port where the livestock truck was parked and saw that the driver was chasing one of the sheep. I laughed and told Chris to look outside and together we laughed for a minute. The sheep was not cooperating with the driver. I realized that he was not getting anywhere with the sheep, so decided to go and help. I danced with that dang sheep for about 30 minutes trying to keep it from going onto the interstate where it would get killed or worse cause an accident and kill someone else. However, it got past me and ran down the ramp towards I-15.

So, we made a few calls to Utah Highway patrol and the driver went after the sheep on foot. One of the other Arizona officers drove up about that time and I sent him to go help. I thought I was done with that dang sheep.

I watched them chasing the sheep and just couldn't sit still. I kept thinking about that one sheep and a scripture from Matthew popped into my head about if a sheep goes "astray doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray". Ugg stupid sheep, it was causing so much trouble. However it was the safety of the vehicles traveling on the interstate that we were concerned with and at this time it was a huge safety hazard to have that thing running around.

So off I went to herd the lone sheep. I made contact with a couple of deputies and a highway patrol officer. We didn't really know what the game plan was other than to keep the sheep off the Interstate. The driver was hanging out with the sheep and that poor sheep was clearly scared. It had flashlights shining in its face and red and blues all over the place. It had people yelling at it and although I have heard comments the last few days about how stupid sheep are, it was really starting to make me sad. I somehow began to make this personal, thinking that the last few months I have been that lone sheep. I have been lost and all I have wanted was for someone to come and find me, and bring me home. I know that it takes an effort on my part as well, but I just have not had the energy or strength to do it. I just wanted to get that sheep reunited with its herd. I knew it was going someplace where it was probably going to be killed, but It was not going to be killed on my watch.

I took an oath 14 years ago to protect the sheep from the wolves of society. I have never had to protect one in real life, but the nature of my personality just took over and I was on a mission. I knew that I had to do this, and I knew if I did not, I would feel like I have failed. I looked into that sheeps eyes again, and again saw fear. It was the same fear I have seen on several of the victims that I have assisted with in my career, protecting the "sheep" in my community. I also knew that at one point a few months ago, it was the same look that I had on my face, when I was deep into my addiction, pushing away the other "sheep" in my life that were trying to protect me from my "wolves". I had to do this.

I went up to the top of the hill and attempted again to push this sheep back towards the port where it could be reunited with the truckload of other sheep. We were doing pretty well with the direction we were going, but then the sheep got scared again and took off the opposite way.

I continued to follow the sheep and attemp to push it back towards the port. The driver and I were able to get close to it, close enough that the driver dove at it attempting to catch it but he missed. He then asked me to shoot the sheep. I was devistated. I knew that I would be able to get out of it because we were technically in Utah. I told him that I would tell the Utah officers that he was giving them permission.

I walked down the hill, head down and tears welling up. Telling myself it was just a "stupid" sheep. I was so mad that that sheep, but as much as I was trying to tell myself that I was mad at the sheep, I felt like a disappointement. A feeling that I had had alot lately. I just couldn't do anything right. I couldn't get it back to where it needed to go, and now they were going to kill it. Stupid sheep....

I told the Sgt. that the driver had given permission to "dispatch" the sheep. He needed the driver to push it down the hill a little bit so that he would have a better shot. I followed the sheep with my light, knowing that in just a few minutes it would be dead. It would be different if it were for food or survival, but it was useless. I kept telling myself I was doing my job by keeping the occupants of vehicles on I-15 safe, trying to justify that this is what needed done, but it was killing me. Stupid sheep...

We got the animal in a position where a clean clear shot could be taken. I was pissed off at that time because there were so many other things that could be done. Where were the people that rope it, where was someone with a tranquilizor gun that could just knock it out for a while so it could be moved. So many people were letting the sheep down, letting me down.

I guess I felt like if I could just save that sheep, it would mean that I was important, that I belonged here and that I was loved. It would mean that there was still some purpose in my life and I would be important in bringing back the lone sheep into the fold. I was angry and as the Sgt. prepared to shoot, I just couldn't bear it. I began to shake and soon I heard the gunshot, even with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I looked up and saw the sheep fall to the ground and began to shake. It didn't immediately die, and I couldn't stay there. I couldn't breathe, I had to get out of there. I began to walk fast towards the port, trying to catch my breath, tears streaming down my face. I failed that sheep. I failed it. Just like I have failed so many people in my life. I have let so many people down and now I couldn't even help save a scared, lone sheep.

I broke down, so many feeling from the past creeping up, so many feelings of letting people down and failing them and myself. So many feelings of trying so hard to do it all but not being able to. So many visions of things, that are so messed up, that people shouldn't have to see. Anger, why did I even go back out there. I shouldn't have. I should have just stayed at the port. Anger that I KNEW I had to go back out there, I knew that I needed to be there. If anything maybe to just be some sort of comfort. Stupid Sheep...

I know that I have been that sheep, many many times. I know that I have people in my life that will do whatever they have to, to bring me back into the fold. I am blessed beyone belief. I have been forgiven by many for the things I have done that have hurt people. I have made many mistakes in my life, and I have learned lessons from those mistakes.

It took me a few days, but I have also learned a lesson from this incident. I know that not every sheep can be saved, and as heartbroken as I was from seeing it be dispatched, I thought about how sad it must make our heavenly father when one of us strays and cannot be brought back into the fold before its too late. He knows us personally and he is our father. This was just a sheep. I cannot imagine if it was one of my children that strayed and did not make it back into the fold because of bad decisions. I know that as a parent I would be devistated. I wouldn't know how to handle it.

Stupid sheep....

life

So I am writing this feeling a bit excited. I just found out that another step in my background is complete. Now just three more to go and we could be on our way to our new life. I am feeling so excited and nervous at the same time.
We have so many options that it is so exciting to see what our future holds. Do we go to St. George or Mesquite? So right now its looking like Mesquite.
I love that town and it is so clean and fresh. I am looking forward to the options that will be available for our family. Lipe can possibly go to dealer school and become a card dealer. He would be so awesome at that. He has such an awesome personality and connects with so many people that I can just picture him being so good at that. His people skills are amazing. Cooper would have a whole new world opened up to him at a new high school and there will be so many more LDS kids there and as he spends the next two years preparing for his mission will be so good. Ana will have so many opportunities to be with family and sports opportunities. I am so just looking forward to it.
Feeling blessed.

Yarnell Hill

On the afternoon of June 30, 2013 a very tragic occurance happened in Arizona. There was a fire around Prescott and a group of 20 Hotshots responded to fight the fire. The fire was around an area called Yarnell Hill. That afternoon 19 of the men that were in the 20 man crew lost their lives when the wind shifted and the fire overtook the crew. It was such a sad day for Arizona and the following weeks were just as devistating to our state and the City of Prescott where the Granite Mountain Hotshot crew was based out of.
The men ranged in age from 21 to 43 and several of them were just starting their families and most of them were married. There was a large memorial service for them in Prescott and then 19 different funerals. I watched that memorial and my heart ached for each and every one of their families. I hope and pray that Heavenly Father will continue to wrap his arms around the survivors of each of these men and also the one survivor and help them get through these next few weeks and months as they all begin to heal.
Rest in Peace Brothers
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Blesings

I saw this on Facebook and loved it. I just wanted to take a minute and share it on my wall because it is so very true. I am truly blessed with the four most amazing children and I cannot even imagine my life without any one of them. I love it how now that they are older they all get along so good and how they miss each other and comment on each others posts and post to each other how much they love and miss each other. I love how each one of them has their own special relationship with Ana and how much they have helped me with her and loved her. I am so blessed to have very smart, loving, hard working and talented children and I am so proud of each of their accomplishments that they make each and every day. I have truly been blessed with beautiful children and being a mother in Zion is the greatest blessing that I could have ever received and to top it all off I was blessed four times. I am so very thankful each and every day to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with the gift of motherhood and four amazing little souls that I was trusted with to bring up in this crazy world of ours. They have each been blessed with a strong foundation and slowly I am having to let them go off and figure it all out. But I will always be here to help pick up the pieces when things don't go right or they fall.
Kyli Cheyenne, Kelly Daniel, Cooper Taite and Victoria Brayliana, I hope and pray that you know that I would die for you and that you are all truly blessings from our Heavenly Father. I have a testimony that as long as we all live the way we were taught and continue to thank him each and every day for the many blessings that he has blessed us with that we will in fact be together as a family on the other side.
All my love. KT26

So this handsome guy here is our newest baby. He is known around the house as my "boyfriend". He is a very naughty boy who is young and rambunctious and I am so much in love with him that I cannot even describe it. We got him last October and he came into our lives and turned them upside down. He talks all the time, he talks back, he follows me around everywhere, he gets on the furniture, he gets in the beds, he runs full speed down the hallway and he does not listen any better than a two year old toddler, and I would not trade him for anything. He drives Lipe nuts, he chews on the sprinkler heads, he digs holes in the back yard, but yet when he looks at you like he is in the picture your heart just cant help but melt. His name is Blaze and he is a "ginger". He absolutely loves sweets, any kind of candy, marshmallows, graham crackers, starbursts, and whatever he can get his grubby little paws on. He loves attention and loves to go for walks, although he does not do too much walking, he goes full speed. He is absolutely gorgeous and I love him.
So this is my guy. Lipe loves him too but sometimes has to remind Blaze that he is the number one guy in my life and Blaze listens and then talks back. He does not agree, he tells lipe that he is my number one. Love them both but this guy has come in and captured my heart. <3 p="">

Service

 I have been struggling at work having a bad attitude and just really not wanting to be here. I am so disappointed in this department that I work for and just the general lack of consistency and disrespect for officers. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and remember that it is the public that I am serving and not the department, but some days it is just way tough. I am trying to remind myself that each night I come into work that I need to remember and serve my fellow officers as well as the public but even with fellow officers it is hard. There is so much back stabbing and whining going on that I am having a hard time. I really hope and pray that the future holds something for me and my family and I pray that The Lord will take Filipe, Ana, Cooper and I to the place that not only will it benefit our family but the people of the community that our family can be of service to those people. Winslow is my home town and will always hold a special place in my heart, but the time has come for me and my family to move on.
So now we sit back and wait and have faith in The Lord that he will take us where he can use us to be his mouth and instrument.
Meanwhile this girl needs to work on her attitude and to remember that no matter how bad I think I have it, there is always someone worse off than me and the way to appreciate what I have is to serve others.

Crazy Girl...

 So on the morning of July 6, 2013 Ana had a swim meet in St. John's Arizona. St. John's pool has a high board and also a low board. Last year when Ana was in swim team she was able to do a flip off the boards at Holbrook and St. John's. This year she begged me to do a flip off the High Board in St. John's. I initially told her NO but then someone else did one and she begged and begged. I really wasn't sure if she would do it once she got up there but sure enough she did. Tamry took the shot of her flipping off the high board and I was able to capture it on video so her dad could see. She then did an awesome flip off the low board and I was able to capture her upside down. This little girl is so athletic and she is just amazing. She just had her swim team finals this past Saturday and came home with two fourth place ribbons, a third place medal and two second place medals. I am so completely proud of her and the little athlete that she is becoming. I enjoy spending time with her everyday and could literally just hang out with her all day she is that much fun.