Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Dad Song

Daddy why did you go so soon, I wasn't ready yet
Each day I think of you trying hard not to forget
All the times you took my hand a lesson to be learned
Now I have children of my own, and each day for you I yearn

CHORUS:
Please Heavenly Father, can you open heavens doors today
and let my daddy hear all the things I need to say
Can you let him reach down here and take me by the hand
I need his love right now, I need to understand

When I walk outside the door, my eyes look up to the sky
Wishing you were here right now standing by my side
So much to tell you dad, so much I need to say
What I wouldn't give to have you here for just another day
(CHORUS)

As I get on my knees and thank thee for the blessings I have
I will always remember to thank you, for giving me my dad
For the blessings you have given me and my family
But most of all dear lord, my dad for eterny
(CHORUS)


Sunday, January 20, 2019

Whither the storm

I realize that we grow from things and experiences that happen to us. There are going to be times we have to wither the storms of life. Those storms have to happen in order for growth. Just as a beautiful flower blooms in the spring, without the storms it would not grow. Although it's tough to get caught up in the storm, there is cleanliness and new beginnings when it's all over. There is a sense of freshness, and freedom. There is growth. Sometimes it's hard to see, and all you see ahead of you is continued darkness, but when you finally do see the light, you see yourself in a new light and finally understand the lesson. Perhaps the lesson is for you to experience a trial, so that in the future you may help someone else going through that trial. Through our storms, I have found that there is usually some type of teaching opportunity. By choosing courage, humor and the grace of god, we realize that we did not wither that storm alone. We were protected and he was there when we asked. Just as we teach children how to do things on their own, and it's not always easy to sit back and watch, our heavenly father is sitting back watching us learn, but just as we are there for our children if they need that extra hand, he extends his hand as well.

UT Rocks!!



December 9, 2018
This girl makes me proud EVERY DAY..Go Cougars!!

Shattered

I am struggling this week. Just trying to figure out when I will have some peace. I know it’s going to take some time to heal. I also know I can’t do it alone. I fell into a deep depression earlier this week. I don’t know what triggered it, but I couldn’t function and literally my body did not want to work. I am not really sure how I got out of it, and I am not really there, however I have been able to get up the last couple of days and go to work. This is so real. I was trained to recognize when people are at that stage in their life when they are contemplating taking their life. How it feels to want to “check out”. What does that even mean? I recognize those feelings of wanting to just go away and be alone. Not having any responsibility. What he did to me hurts. It’s scary and painful at the same time. It’s broken trust and lack of support. It’s judgement and people looking at me differently. It’s tears and silent suffering. It’s missing out on my family and life. It’s the little things like snuggling my husband and being intimate. It’s rolling over in bed when I know he is longing for me. He needs me to be there for him, but I just can’t right now. It’s the pain at work seeing that office and pain seeing the car. It’s the lack of validation from people that should know me and fight for me. It’s real!!
Dear ______,
I sit here broken and shattered, wondering when it will all go away I don’t know how you are functioning, how do you spend your day?
Mine is filled with sorrow and pain, darkness is all I see,
The dagger that pierced my heart and soul left a hole that forever will be.
I wake each morning and can’t get out of bed
The pain is just too much to bear
I try to get you out of my head
remembering that moment you ran your fingers through my hair
I needed to shower and get you off of my skin
Close my ears to you saying how much you care
I closed up tight not wanting to be around you
Even cutting off all of my hair
Because of you my life will not be the same
My marriage and family struggle each day
My eyes are clouded with darkness
I just want it all to go away #kt011819 #metoo #youstolemysoul

Friday, April 27, 2018

Nightmare's
Worthless, that's how I am feeling right now. Everything about me I was proud of and loved is gone. Gone in a moment that I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted to protect those I worked with, knowing I was not the same. I was weak because of this injury. This injury that I received on the job. Serving my community, yet I am being punished. I did not want to be a CSR. It's here now. I thought I may actually be able to trust that I was still a supervisor, but I'm not. My years of service gone in an instant. I hid it for so long, I should have just kept it hidden. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate myself and what I have become. I am nothing now. Badge and gun stripped. I was one of the good ones. I was proud of who I was. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I am just a no body now. The Sgts. hate me and I have no respect. I did this for them, yet I am nobody. Guess what happens to nobody's. They go away. I cant be a CSR. I just cant. They may as well put me in a cage. It's slowly killing me. Each day the pain is worse. The internal pain. The pain that has to be physically cut out and released. The pain that will not go away as long as I am caged. I don't want to be one. I don't want to dress like one. I have respect for the ones that we have, but it is not me. It's not supposed to happen this way. It's not supposed to be in my path. I was somebody, but now I am nobody again. I work so hard. My hard work doesn't pay off. Now I sit behind a counter. Nobody. Its getting closer to the time. Four years ago I tried and soon will do it again. Here lies a nobody. She used to be someone that people respected and looked up to. Then she told the truth thinking it would help those around her and it was a huge mistake. Just like me.
DONE! I will not be a CSR!

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

The Changing Hats


The Changing Hats

 
Each day I wake in the morning
And sit and ponder and pray
Then I get out my box of hats
And choose the ones that I need for the day
My life consists of many hats
My box is full to the brim
Some hats I wear over and over
Some are ragged, worn and thin
Some of my hats have come and gone
When I needed them, they were there
Some came at different seasons and times
Some I have given away and shared
When I reflect back on the hats I have worn
Discarding some, have brought pain and tears
Telling myself that a hat does not define me
Even when I have worn it for so many years
As I look to the future of the new hats I will wear
I get excited and can’t wait to see
The changes in my life as I clean out my box, and
The new hats that will be given to me
The old ones have helped create the woman I am
They continue to help me to grow
But just one hat does not define who I am
And when that season is over I have to let go
Letting go does not mean I have to forget
I can take that knowledge and share
And sometimes It’s even ok to take them all off
Take a deep breath, relax and let down my hair.
                                                                        KT 03/20/18

Friday, September 22, 2017

Becky



Our beloved Becky - Wife, Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Cousin, Teacher, Coach, Counselor, Mentor, FRIEND.


These are just some of the many hats that she wore. We are all here today to honor this beautiful woman that in some way has touched our soul and imprinted our hearts.


Although it brings grief to those left behind, death is part of "the merciful plan of the great creator", it is a "mechanism of rescue" and "essential step in the lords great plan of happiness".


Good afternoon, for those of you that don't know me, I have been a classmate, teammate, and friend of Becky's since 7th grade. Together we have laughed, cried, fought, forgiven, shared, learned, coached and socialized. Becky is truly a beautiful woman inside and out, that I will forever hold close to my heart.


I had to laugh, I asked her dear friend and assistant coach for many years, Lynn Sawyer if she could write a few words. She expressed almost exactly the same words I just read. I would like to add and I quote "We may go days or even weeks without speaking but I would always trust Becky to pick up right where we left off. She amazed me how much she influenced her players, her co-workers, her friends, her family, even strangers with her smile and confidence".


I noticed on Becky's facebook page she listed her favorite quote as "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened".


I believe this is how she would like for us to feel about her on this day. This day we are gathered to celebrate her life. A life that was truly lived to the fullest. We mourn her loss partially because of her age. As a society we view her life as one that "cut short" and not fulfilling. I  believe all too often people are "waiting" for life to begin. Waiting for more money, kids to grow up, job opportunities, etc. However,  those of us gathered here today know that it is just the opposite. Becky was full of life and spent many years, days and hours dedicating herself to the community and her family.


Some of the beautiful tributes I have seen this week include:
*Thanks for believing in me when no one else did
*I am where I am today because of you
*You helped me through difficult times
*You taught me to push harder and dig deeper


I believe that one of her greatest passions other than her family, was coaching. there are many young ladies that had the opportunity to play ball for her. She coached High School, Jr. High School, Little League, Travel ball and was getting ready to take over the swim team.


Becky was an outstanding athlete in high school. She played Volleyball, Basketball and Softball. Becky was part of State Championship teams in both Basketball, where she played for Petro, and Softball. Lynn Sawyer, who coached with Becky for many years and I were teammates with her in High School. We had the pleasure of playing with her in 1988 when we gave WHS it's first State Championship in Softball.


Twenty Two years later in 2010, Becky and Lynn led WHS Softball to State and captured the State Championship Title. Again, I got to be a part of this amazing moment and celebration as my daughter was a part of that team. It was another defining moment in our friendship.


Through coaching she has helped numerous young ladies. She was not just a coach but a mentor, counselor and friend. She pushed the girls to dig deeper and push harder. She helped develop character, through hard work, determination, setting goals, teamwork, passion, respect, love, kindness, self esteem, support, communication and dedication. She let by example and gave 100%. Many of those girls have gone on to play college ball and have successful careers.


On Monday morning there was a flock of Geese on the softball field. It was suggested that one look up the symbolism of a goose, the following is that information:
The animal symbolism of the goose hasn't got it's full honor. Too often in myth and lore we see the goose representing silly attitudes or lazy dispositions. On the contrary, the symbolism of the goose is quite inspiring. When we consider the goose never leaves one of it's own kind behind, we begin to see the goose in a different light. Just like the US Marines "Semper Fidelis" (Always Faithful) is the motto of the goose too. Geese annually migrate to warmer climates during the winter. Should  a goose become injured during this trek, another goose will leave the migrating flock to stay with it's fallen comrade. The goose will stay with the injured until he has recovered or until it's final breath. Indeed this kind of Valor puts the symbolism of the goose in a far different light. Here are some attributes of the goose:
*Communication
*Determination
*Fellowship
*Teamwork
*Confidence
*Protection
*Bravery
*Loyalty
I believe these all represent Becky as well.


Becky's other passion was her family. Commonly known as "The B Family". Bill, Becky, Briana, Bryce and Brynlee. Although coaching took many hours away from her family her children were the light of her life. She was so proud of each of them and their many accomplishments. Each one continually striving for and reaching academic excellence in their classes. Talented, smart, funny and dedicated.


I had the opportunity to coach with Becky last summer in Little League. My youngest daughter was now a part of Becky's coaching. It was a great season. Becky had just recently teamed up with Chip and created a travel team. She was excited to be able to again coach her daughter Brynlee as well as Lin and Chips girls. There is a new generation of young ladies that are going to miss Becky and miss out on getting to know an incredible woman.


President Thomas S. Monson has this to say regarding death "my brothers and sisters, death eventually comes to all mankind. It comes to the aged as they walk on faltering feet. It's summons are heard by those who have scarcely reached midway in life's journey, and often it hushes the laughter of little children. Death is one fact that no one can escape nor deny".


Frequently death comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life's feast, putting out it's lights and gaiety. Death lays it's heavy hand upon those dear to us and at times leaves us baffled and wondering. In certain situations, as in great suffering and illness death comes as and angel of mercy. But for the most part, we think of it as the enemy of human happiness.


The darkness of death can ever be dispelled by the light of revealed truth. "I am the resurrection, and the life" spoke the master "he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live; and whosever liveth and believeth in me shall never die".


This reassurance - YES, even confirmation of life beyond the grave could will provide the peace promised by the savior when he assured his disciples; "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"


Out of the darkness and horror of Calvary came the voice of the lamb saying " Father, into thy hands I command my spirit" and the dark was no longer dark, for he was with his father. He had come from God, and to him he had returned. So also those who walk with God in this earthly pilgrimage know from blessed experience that he will not abandon his children who trust in him. In the night of death, his presence will be "better than light and safer than a known way".


I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away
All the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits
And they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming


Well Becky, I know your home, and I know that as soon as you crossed that veil between heaven and earth that God indeed greeted you at home plate, wrapped his arms around and said "Well done my good and faithful servant, well done: you can play on my team anytime".


I say these things humbly in the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN


Kristi Tausinga <3 font="">





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