Welcome 2015

 

So 2014, "Adios, See Ya, Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out"....This is how I felt about 2014. I just kept feeling and thinking that if only it would be over things would be better. I wanted that "clean slate" that "fresh start.

2014 kicked my butt. It was a year full of trials, heartache, sickness, madness, depression, anxiety, failure, low self esteem and self worth, anger, addiction and it kicked my butt.

I have had trials before, but I don't recall ever having a whole year full of them. I just wanted it to end. I just wanted to feel better and get better. I just wanted to wipe all those feelings of anger, depression and low self esteem away. I wanted those feelings of "self destruction" to go away. I was tired of feeling like I wanted to hurt myself, to "go away" and to have to work so hard just to function. I was worn out and exhausted. The song from Tenth Avenue North called Worn was my Theme Song for many months. The following is the words:

 

 I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But im too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

There were so many days I couldn't even hardly breathe. The effort it took to get myself up and ready for work. Then I would head to work and just get slammed there verbally. I kept questioning about "why" I was here, "why" this was happening to me and I kept pulling myself further from those that I love and those that could help me. I was beginning to allow Satan into my head telling me I wasn't worth being alive, I was poison, and that people would be better off without me. I fought in my head so many days, trying to be logical and telling myself I was worth it.

 

The many things I had seen the last 14 years while being a first responder were taking over my thoughts, I could not turn my head off. I would hear the screaming of the mother as she yelled at God when her infant baby died and we were not able to save it. I kept seeing the image of a woman's head in the bath tub when her son chopped It off. I could still smell the blood on the freeway of the woman that got hit by the truck and it drug pieces of her body for four miles and part of it was still connected to the semi trailer. The smells, the screams, the yelling, the death it wouldn't go away. I could not find any peace. I could not shut my head off long enough to have a few minutes of solace. Until the pills.

 

If I took them, I could get "out of my head" for a while and make the images go away. I could escape my life for just a little while and feel "normal" again. The fighting in my head went away for just a little while and it was awesome. At first I didn't need them everyday but later it got so bad that it just became a part of my routine. I would come home from work, I would know that I didn't have to go anywhere and drive and just escape and be free from the images, smells and sounds of the last 14 years that were haunting me.

 

No one understood. How could they. How could I talk about it when I was supposed to be "tough", not show emotion, and when I really didn't understand it myself. I seriously thought I was going crazy. I was isolating myself and pushing everyone around me away. I didn't feel worthy to attend church and finally one day I hit rock bottom. I took too many pills and just wanted to go away for a while. I needed to rest. I needed to sleep. I needed my brain to shut down and leave me alone.

 

I found myself in a recovery center. They helped a lot. However they did not even want to touch the images and problems I was having that were work related. My counselor said we did not have enough "time". We only had 30 days. I was able to fix some things and get back on the right path, but so much that still "haunts" me is there. Lurking and waiting for that moment of "weakness" that I let my guard down. I feel like if I just relax for one moment, the "monsters" will attack. I am still living my life with my guard up 100% of the time.

 

The images in the picture were an awesome welcome to 2015. I am working everyday to slowly break down those walls that continually have me keeping my guard up. I just want to feel "normal" again and be able to enjoy things without being nervous that something will "trigger" one of those thoughts, images or smells. Then I re-live the whole thing over again. I am focusing on the gospel and getting my relationship back with my heavenly father. I am finding that as I get that relationship back, the other relationships in my life that I did some damage to are also getting better. I am working hard on getting the relationship with "myself" back on track as well. There are still days that the anxiety and self destructive feelings kick in, but they are getting fewer and far between as I work my program and on my relationship with my heavenly father.

 

Although I think that I am glad 2014 is over I learned a lot about myself. I know that the following applies to me. "I believe 2014 was not my worst year but possibly my greatest"

My year of greatest STRENGTH

My year of greatest FAITH

My year of greatest HOPE

My year of greatest PATIENCE

My year of greatest RISK

My year of greatest DETERMINATION

My year of greatest COURAGE

and I know it will be one to remember. So 2014 I don't mind if the door hit you on the butt on your way out, but thank you for your trials. I know that I am a better person because you challenged me. You made me dig deep within and pull out strength and courage that I never knew I had. You forced me into taking a good hard look at myself and you broke me into hundreds of pieces and forced me to rebuild myself. I have rebuilt myself bigger and better and I know that everything you threw in my face was for a reason. I grew spiritually, physically and mentally and I came out on top. So although you will forever be engrained into my soul, you have made me pretty AWESOME...