Shield Maiden

What is a shield maiden? A shield maiden was a woman that chose to fight as a warrior amongst the men. I believe that the mentality of a shield maiden, is similiar to a modern day soldier or police officer. It is a calling. I am not sure why it was my calling, but it was and I am proud of who I was as an officer. I was and still am a Warrior. I don't work the road anymore, but I did my time and I was good at what I did. I am proud of my career. It was a hard choice to end it, and I struggled for a very long time, but have come to terms with it and have made my piece with my decision. 

 I saw a post today that resonated with me and why many of us struggle with the way we feel and act. It made alot of sense. "Since we have had the ability to hold a number two pencil, we have been programmed to have answers. We were praised if we did and shamed if we didn't. Our knowledge of answers were measured by percentages and letter grades. Then we grow up and life comes at us, and we realize that we don't have all the answers. This creates anxiety, we internalize and believe there is something wrong with us or our lives" I have struggled lately trying to define my "truth". I have been actively seeking what it is I am meant to do with my life now, because what I am doing is not cutting it anymore. I was not meant to sit at a desk. I need to be out, helping people, that's my calling and my truth. Life is about seeking truth. This call to action is what allows you to go through your own inner journey and in that process, shedding, growth, revelations and learning. Seeking what is honest to you is what will evolve you, position you and give your life meaning. NOT having all the answers. It's okay not to know. Just do what's honest to you. "My truth will never lead to regret". It's now my time! It's my time to tell my story, and all the shit I have been through, everything I have overcome, the heartbreaks, the hardships, what I need to rebuild, re-learn. I have been through hell, and guess what I survived. I am a warrior and the many years I didn't believe that were hard, but I am and I have served and saved. 

 As it says in Romans 8:28 "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose". ALL THINGS - that includes my mistakes and my failures - can work together. I have come to accept that the hell I walked through, the trials I have been given, and the path I have been on, have all come together to make me the Warrior, Queen, Shieldmaiden, soldier, mother, wife, friend,etc. that I am today. I know I was good in my calling in Law Enforcement because of my fire I walked through. I know my experience of addiction and going to rehab had built my character and more patient, loving and understanding. I used to be very judgemental, however I have come to realize that everyone has their story, their "truth" that they are living! I am blessed with a small circle of trustworthy people in my life that never gave up on me, that believed in me and brought back my Warrior Attitude. Now it's my time to reach out to others that are in that same situation.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same

WOW, is that powerful or what? I seriously love this quote by Maryann Williams and have decided that is my 2021 motto. I have chosen my word for the year and it is RISE! I will rise up to the Warrior that I know I am. I have remembered who I am and the game is about to change! I am working on forgiving those that have done me wrong. I am doing this for ME and not them. I decided it's time to let go and prevent their behavior from destroying my heart! It was exhausting and my soul was crying out to me for peace! I am healing from the damage, however it no longer controls my life! I cannot continue my journey and future growth with baggage, and ill feelings. I will no longer act like a victim and thankful for friends that arent afraid to tell me outloud that I was acting like one! My wounds were not my fault, however my healing is my responsibility and my charge. 

 I know that my story needs to be told. It has been said to me that I am too much of an "open book", however, I know without a doubt, that if someone would have shared their story with me, especially early on in my career, I believe I would have handled some situations differently. If someone would have told me, it's okay to ask for help, it's not weakness, it's courageous, I would have saved myself and my family alot of heartache! I know that when I tell the story of the mountains I have climbed and fire I have walked through, it could become a page in someone else's survival guide! So here is to me. To working on me. To giving myself permission to work on ME! To look in the mirror each day and absolutely love who I am! Who I have become and who I will continue to become! I am looking forward to my journey!

Level Up and Rise Up

The last few days I have had a chance to engage in some pretty deep conversations with my sweet husband. He is at a crossroads right now and it's time to make a decision regarding his career and future. For many months he has prayed that he would be given an opportunity for a new job, one that would allow him to grow and develope. His job right now was only supposed to be temporary and he is now two years into it. There is no where to go, no growth, no future. One night while working at Maverick, he overheard two men talking. One of the men was a manager for the new Panda Express that has just opened here. Lipe overheard him telling the other man that they were looking for good people to come work there, someone that was not afraid of hard work and someone that wanted to take their career to the next level. Lipe jumped in on that conversation and expressed his interest in that position. He didn't even really know what the "position" was, but knew at that moment, this could be an answer to his prayers. He had a conversation with the manager and was told how to go about applying online. Within a few hours, Lipe completed that application. He called me at work and was very excited. When he told me that he was being asked to come in later that morning for a "second" interview, I was confused and asked him "when was the first one"? He laughed and said, "apparantly when I was working at Maverick and he talked to me, that was the first one"! The next few days were a whirlwind of completing paperwork, shopping for uniforms and I knew something was different about this whole process when I found out that the manager met him at the Virgin River Cafe one morning to buy Lipe breakfast, and they talked ALOT about what Panda could offer my husband, it he wanted it bad enough. I have never seen someone take an interest in a future employee and I have found that this guy has been just what my husband has needed. Someone to give him the knowledge, skills and courage to press forward with something new. They initially decided to start him working four days a week and he would work around his other full time job. Lipe's "position" was the absolute bottome of the barrell, however with his manager by his side, he is already learning so much. They have talked alot about how a good manager has to know ALL of the positions, and it's an even better manager if they too started at the bottom. I have seen a change in my sweet husband, he doesn't see it yet because when it's time to step out of his comfort zone and learn the new position, he is nervous. He sees the others that have been doing it for many years and how fast they work. He feels slow, clumsy and akward. I keep reminding him that we have all been there when starting a new job. He has been working 80 hours a week now for the last 6 weeks. He is exhausted, but has not waivered. He is such a hard worker, but it's time to make a decision. His body needs rest, he is mentally exhausted, and when that mental exhaustion sets in, mistakes are made. I finally dug deep enough and found out that the biggest thing holding him back is fear. Fear of stepping out of that comfort zone, fear of the unknown and fear of being inadequite. We all have these fears. How often do we fail to reach our goals, because of fear. I have really enjoyed seeing the excitement in my husband that working around his manager has given him. One of the most important jobs as a leader is to "eliminate fear from the workplace". I have seen how Lipe has already grown by "Leveling up his associations", and I love seeing his self-esteem grow because someone became invested in him. Sometimes in life that's all we need, is just for one person to become invested in us. To show us that we we can do hard things and to believe in us. When we begin to feel that support it's amazing how far we can go. When we make that conscious decision to go to the next level, we have to see it, and the fastest way to see it is to be around people who are already there. What level do you want to get to? Is there someone standing in your way? Is it yourself? Choose one person that you want to associate yourself with and develope a realationship with that person. Are there toxic people in your life? People that don't understand your goals and dreams? Setema Gali states "If you have big dreams and aspirations, don't expect the world to understand you. They're average. How could they possibly understand your drive to be great ad to want something they hate? Ignore them and create your dreams". What are your dreams? Envision what you want, See it, surround yourself with positive people that will help you get there, and then go after it. Kia Kaha