I am not ready to work an accident. I used to love working accidents. My heart would race and together with the medics and fire, we would rock the scene. I was able to focus on the job and didn't think the images, smells and outcomes of the accident bothered me. However in the last year when my world came crashing down, I realized that all those accidents I have worked, the death and destruction was building up and weighing me down. I wake up dreaming about bodies lying in the roadways, and babies being ejected and dying.
Today in Relief Society we talked about re-filling the oil in our lamps. It was a really great lesson. Sister Ruth gave an example of two different Dotera Oils. She said that she used the Lemon one when she could feel a sore throat coming on and it helped her not to get Strep Throat. She also had a bottle of Peppermint Oil that she uses when she is sick. She said that she gave the Peppermint Oil away to her daughter when her grandkids were sick and she used all the Lemon Oil up.
She said that a few weeks ago she began getting sick and went to get her oils and remembered that she did not have either one. She compared that to the parable of the ten Virgins when the five ran out of oil and the other five could not share their oil. She talked about being prepared and Heavenly Father blessing us as we worked to fill our lamps and keep them full.
My lamp was empty last year. I completely diminished the oil last year and did not fill it back up. Right now, I have a very small amount from the past few weeks of going to church, reading the scriptures and praying. I really have been working hard to begin to refill my lamp. I know and have been taught that "the lord will not give me more than I can handle", but I have to say, there have been a couple of times that I have questioned that. I know I am not supposed to question him, but sometimes I am just like "are you freakin kidding me".
Well Friday morning I admit that I looked towards the heavens and had one of those moments.
I left Mesquite at 0530 hours and headed to work. I began to enter the Gorge and something caught my eye just as I entered. I saw a black car that had been involved in an accident. By the time I got slowed down and stopped I was approximately 100 yards from the vehicle. I approached the vehicle and it was so dark in the gorge. I had my flashlight and as I approached I just kept trying to tell myself that the accident must have happened earlier and the DPS just did not get the vehicle towed. However deep inside of me I knew that I was kidding myself telling me that because DPS always tows the cars and gets the scene cleared up right away.
Just as I was thinking that my flashlight caught the movement of a person lying in front of the vehicle. I could see that he was very bloody, and my heart about dropped. I was not ready for that. I quickly looked up and said "Are you Freakin kidding me?"
I ran up to him and he was lying halfway on the front bumper of the car that had been ripped off. He had a very large laceration on his head and was unconscious. I began to shake him and was finally able to rouse him enough to get his name. He said that his name was Michael.
I ran around the vehicle to make sure that there was no one else in the vehicle and called 911. I knew that there were no DPS Officers on duty yet and that it would be a while before the medics arrived. I sat down by Michael and just did my best to comfort him and keep him awake. It was cold in the morning and I knew that he was cold. I was surprised how many vehicles passed the accident and no one stopped.
Finally another vehicle stopped and I was hoping that he had a blanket or extra jacket. He did not. I was concerned about getting hit with a rock as the trucks went by, but was ok. We were pretty close to the side of the road. I didn't want to move him though because I didn't know if he had any kind of head or neck injuries.
I know that no matter how I am feeling, I will always stop and do what I need to do. My training kicked in and took over my thoughts of self doubt and it wasn't until the patient was loaded in the ambulance and taken away to be flown.
I got a few moments alone and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Just about that time Filipe called to check on me and I know that was a tender mercy from our heavenly father.
In my mind I didn't think that I was ready to be facing this traumatic event, but I know that I am healing and that Heavenly Father will not give me more than I can handle. I also know now that I have shared some of my trauma and pain with friends and family, they are really making sure that I am okay and am not going to do anything stupid.
I am so thankful that my training kicked in and that I knew what to do. I am thankful for Tender Mercies from our heavenly father and know that he blesses me each day. I try very hard not to question him and am working very hard on trusting him. I don't always agree with what he places in front of me, such as this accident, because I feel like I am not ready to handle it, but I know he loves me and knows me and will take care of me.
My lamp is slowly beginning to fill up and although I have a lot of work to do, I just need to continue to trust and let him guide me. I am so very thankful for the amazing people that I have surrounded myself with in this journey of healing that I am going through.
I don't know that status of "Michael", but I am continuing to pray that he is okay. I know that I did my best and I know that I cannot beat myself up if something happened. I just have to trust that the fate of Michael is in Heavenly fathers Hands.
Today in Relief Society we talked about re-filling the oil in our lamps. It was a really great lesson. Sister Ruth gave an example of two different Dotera Oils. She said that she used the Lemon one when she could feel a sore throat coming on and it helped her not to get Strep Throat. She also had a bottle of Peppermint Oil that she uses when she is sick. She said that she gave the Peppermint Oil away to her daughter when her grandkids were sick and she used all the Lemon Oil up.
She said that a few weeks ago she began getting sick and went to get her oils and remembered that she did not have either one. She compared that to the parable of the ten Virgins when the five ran out of oil and the other five could not share their oil. She talked about being prepared and Heavenly Father blessing us as we worked to fill our lamps and keep them full.
My lamp was empty last year. I completely diminished the oil last year and did not fill it back up. Right now, I have a very small amount from the past few weeks of going to church, reading the scriptures and praying. I really have been working hard to begin to refill my lamp. I know and have been taught that "the lord will not give me more than I can handle", but I have to say, there have been a couple of times that I have questioned that. I know I am not supposed to question him, but sometimes I am just like "are you freakin kidding me".
Well Friday morning I admit that I looked towards the heavens and had one of those moments.
I left Mesquite at 0530 hours and headed to work. I began to enter the Gorge and something caught my eye just as I entered. I saw a black car that had been involved in an accident. By the time I got slowed down and stopped I was approximately 100 yards from the vehicle. I approached the vehicle and it was so dark in the gorge. I had my flashlight and as I approached I just kept trying to tell myself that the accident must have happened earlier and the DPS just did not get the vehicle towed. However deep inside of me I knew that I was kidding myself telling me that because DPS always tows the cars and gets the scene cleared up right away.
Just as I was thinking that my flashlight caught the movement of a person lying in front of the vehicle. I could see that he was very bloody, and my heart about dropped. I was not ready for that. I quickly looked up and said "Are you Freakin kidding me?"
I ran up to him and he was lying halfway on the front bumper of the car that had been ripped off. He had a very large laceration on his head and was unconscious. I began to shake him and was finally able to rouse him enough to get his name. He said that his name was Michael.
I ran around the vehicle to make sure that there was no one else in the vehicle and called 911. I knew that there were no DPS Officers on duty yet and that it would be a while before the medics arrived. I sat down by Michael and just did my best to comfort him and keep him awake. It was cold in the morning and I knew that he was cold. I was surprised how many vehicles passed the accident and no one stopped.
Finally another vehicle stopped and I was hoping that he had a blanket or extra jacket. He did not. I was concerned about getting hit with a rock as the trucks went by, but was ok. We were pretty close to the side of the road. I didn't want to move him though because I didn't know if he had any kind of head or neck injuries.
I know that no matter how I am feeling, I will always stop and do what I need to do. My training kicked in and took over my thoughts of self doubt and it wasn't until the patient was loaded in the ambulance and taken away to be flown.
I got a few moments alone and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Just about that time Filipe called to check on me and I know that was a tender mercy from our heavenly father.
In my mind I didn't think that I was ready to be facing this traumatic event, but I know that I am healing and that Heavenly Father will not give me more than I can handle. I also know now that I have shared some of my trauma and pain with friends and family, they are really making sure that I am okay and am not going to do anything stupid.
I am so thankful that my training kicked in and that I knew what to do. I am thankful for Tender Mercies from our heavenly father and know that he blesses me each day. I try very hard not to question him and am working very hard on trusting him. I don't always agree with what he places in front of me, such as this accident, because I feel like I am not ready to handle it, but I know he loves me and knows me and will take care of me.
My lamp is slowly beginning to fill up and although I have a lot of work to do, I just need to continue to trust and let him guide me. I am so very thankful for the amazing people that I have surrounded myself with in this journey of healing that I am going through.
I don't know that status of "Michael", but I am continuing to pray that he is okay. I know that I did my best and I know that I cannot beat myself up if something happened. I just have to trust that the fate of Michael is in Heavenly fathers Hands.
