Nightmare's
Worthless, that's how I am feeling right now. Everything about me I was proud of and loved is gone. Gone in a moment that I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted to protect those I worked with, knowing I was not the same. I was weak because of this injury. This injury that I received on the job. Serving my community, yet I am being punished. I did not want to be a CSR. It's here now. I thought I may actually be able to trust that I was still a supervisor, but I'm not. My years of service gone in an instant. I hid it for so long, I should have just kept it hidden. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate myself and what I have become. I am nothing now. Badge and gun stripped. I was one of the good ones. I was proud of who I was. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I am just a no body now. The Sgts. hate me and I have no respect. I did this for them, yet I am nobody. Guess what happens to nobody's. They go away. I cant be a CSR. I just cant. They may as well put me in a cage. It's slowly killing me. Each day the pain is worse. The internal pain. The pain that has to be physically cut out and released. The pain that will not go away as long as I am caged. I don't want to be one. I don't want to dress like one. I have respect for the ones that we have, but it is not me. It's not supposed to happen this way. It's not supposed to be in my path. I was somebody, but now I am nobody again. I work so hard. My hard work doesn't pay off. Now I sit behind a counter. Nobody. Its getting closer to the time. Four years ago I tried and soon will do it again. Here lies a nobody. She used to be someone that people respected and looked up to. Then she told the truth thinking it would help those around her and it was a huge mistake. Just like me.
DONE! I will not be a CSR!

The Changing Hats

The Changing Hats

 

Each day I wake in the morning

And sit and ponder and pray

Then I get out my box of hats

And choose the ones that I need for the day

My life consists of many hats

My box is full to the brim

Some hats I wear over and over

Some are ragged, worn and thin

Some of my hats have come and gone

When I needed them, they were there

Some came at different seasons and times

Some I have given away and shared

When I reflect back on the hats I have worn

Discarding some, have brought pain and tears

Telling myself that a hat does not define me

Even when I have worn it for so many years

As I look to the future of the new hats I will wear

I get excited and can’t wait to see

The changes in my life as I clean out my box, and

The new hats that will be given to me

The old ones have helped create the woman I am

They continue to help me to grow

But just one hat does not define who I am

And when that season is over I have to let go

Letting go does not mean I have to forget

I can take that knowledge and share

And sometimes It’s even ok to take them all off

Take a deep breath, relax and let down my hair.

                                                                        KT 03/20/18

Becky

Our beloved Becky - Wife, Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Cousin, Teacher, Coach, Counselor, Mentor, FRIEND.


These are just some of the many hats that she wore. We are all here today to honor this beautiful woman that in some way has touched our soul and imprinted our hearts.


Although it brings grief to those left behind, death is part of "the merciful plan of the great creator", it is a "mechanism of rescue" and "essential step in the lords great plan of happiness".


Good afternoon, for those of you that don't know me, I have been a classmate, teammate, and friend of Becky's since 7th grade. Together we have laughed, cried, fought, forgiven, shared, learned, coached and socialized. Becky is truly a beautiful woman inside and out, that I will forever hold close to my heart.


I had to laugh, I asked her dear friend and assistant coach for many years, Lynn Sawyer if she could write a few words. She expressed almost exactly the same words I just read. I would like to add and I quote "We may go days or even weeks without speaking but I would always trust Becky to pick up right where we left off. She amazed me how much she influenced her players, her co-workers, her friends, her family, even strangers with her smile and confidence".


I noticed on Becky's facebook page she listed her favorite quote as "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened".


I believe this is how she would like for us to feel about her on this day. This day we are gathered to celebrate her life. A life that was truly lived to the fullest. We mourn her loss partially because of her age. As a society we view her life as one that "cut short" and not fulfilling. I  believe all too often people are "waiting" for life to begin. Waiting for more money, kids to grow up, job opportunities, etc. However,  those of us gathered here today know that it is just the opposite. Becky was full of life and spent many years, days and hours dedicating herself to the community and her family.


Some of the beautiful tributes I have seen this week include:
*Thanks for believing in me when no one else did
*I am where I am today because of you
*You helped me through difficult times
*You taught me to push harder and dig deeper


I believe that one of her greatest passions other than her family, was coaching. there are many young ladies that had the opportunity to play ball for her. She coached High School, Jr. High School, Little League, Travel ball and was getting ready to take over the swim team.


Becky was an outstanding athlete in high school. She played Volleyball, Basketball and Softball. Becky was part of State Championship teams in both Basketball, where she played for Petro, and Softball. Lynn Sawyer, who coached with Becky for many years and I were teammates with her in High School. We had the pleasure of playing with her in 1988 when we gave WHS it's first State Championship in Softball.


Twenty Two years later in 2010, Becky and Lynn led WHS Softball to State and captured the State Championship Title. Again, I got to be a part of this amazing moment and celebration as my daughter was a part of that team. It was another defining moment in our friendship.


Through coaching she has helped numerous young ladies. She was not just a coach but a mentor, counselor and friend. She pushed the girls to dig deeper and push harder. She helped develop character, through hard work, determination, setting goals, teamwork, passion, respect, love, kindness, self esteem, support, communication and dedication. She let by example and gave 100%. Many of those girls have gone on to play college ball and have successful careers.


On Monday morning there was a flock of Geese on the softball field. It was suggested that one look up the symbolism of a goose, the following is that information:
The animal symbolism of the goose hasn't got it's full honor. Too often in myth and lore we see the goose representing silly attitudes or lazy dispositions. On the contrary, the symbolism of the goose is quite inspiring. When we consider the goose never leaves one of it's own kind behind, we begin to see the goose in a different light. Just like the US Marines "Semper Fidelis" (Always Faithful) is the motto of the goose too. Geese annually migrate to warmer climates during the winter. Should  a goose become injured during this trek, another goose will leave the migrating flock to stay with it's fallen comrade. The goose will stay with the injured until he has recovered or until it's final breath. Indeed this kind of Valor puts the symbolism of the goose in a far different light. Here are some attributes of the goose:
*Communication
*Determination
*Fellowship
*Teamwork
*Confidence
*Protection
*Bravery
*Loyalty
I believe these all represent Becky as well.


Becky's other passion was her family. Commonly known as "The B Family". Bill, Becky, Briana, Bryce and Brynlee. Although coaching took many hours away from her family her children were the light of her life. She was so proud of each of them and their many accomplishments. Each one continually striving for and reaching academic excellence in their classes. Talented, smart, funny and dedicated.


I had the opportunity to coach with Becky last summer in Little League. My youngest daughter was now a part of Becky's coaching. It was a great season. Becky had just recently teamed up with Chip and created a travel team. She was excited to be able to again coach her daughter Brynlee as well as Lin and Chips girls. There is a new generation of young ladies that are going to miss Becky and miss out on getting to know an incredible woman.


President Thomas S. Monson has this to say regarding death "my brothers and sisters, death eventually comes to all mankind. It comes to the aged as they walk on faltering feet. It's summons are heard by those who have scarcely reached midway in life's journey, and often it hushes the laughter of little children. Death is one fact that no one can escape nor deny".


Frequently death comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life's feast, putting out it's lights and gaiety. Death lays it's heavy hand upon those dear to us and at times leaves us baffled and wondering. In certain situations, as in great suffering and illness death comes as and angel of mercy. But for the most part, we think of it as the enemy of human happiness.


The darkness of death can ever be dispelled by the light of revealed truth. "I am the resurrection, and the life" spoke the master "he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live; and whosever liveth and believeth in me shall never die".


This reassurance - YES, even confirmation of life beyond the grave could will provide the peace promised by the savior when he assured his disciples; "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"


Out of the darkness and horror of Calvary came the voice of the lamb saying " Father, into thy hands I command my spirit" and the dark was no longer dark, for he was with his father. He had come from God, and to him he had returned. So also those who walk with God in this earthly pilgrimage know from blessed experience that he will not abandon his children who trust in him. In the night of death, his presence will be "better than light and safer than a known way".


I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away
All the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits
And they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming


Well Becky, I know your home, and I know that as soon as you crossed that veil between heaven and earth that God indeed greeted you at home plate, wrapped his arms around and said "Well done my good and faithful servant, well done: you can play on my team anytime".


I say these things humbly in the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN


Kristi Tausinga <3 font="">

Seek ye first

NOTE LONG POST:
So the past few months I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I know that I need to continue to have forward progression and growth and lately I have kind of felt "stuck".. stuck In all aspects (Spiritually, Mentally and Physically). A few weeks ago I contacted Rayna Castillo and inquired about her 21 day fitness challenge. She gave me the information and decided it was time to step it up. I started the challenge a week ago today and cannot even explain how amazing this last week has been. I think the reason that I have felt so good and been successful was "accountability".. Reyna and Rosa have been amazing about sharing their own experiences with their journey and have made me realize this is not "work" and that it truly is a journey.. it is a journey of self love, self respect, and doing hard things.. a journey of being an example to my family and getting them on board..a journey that my life is NOT defined by a number on a scale..a journey that has caused me to dig deep into my soul and push through when it got tough.. I am working on my spiritual journey as well and know that as my spiritual and physical journey move forward my mental journey will soon follow.. last weekend I was in a car accident (I am ok) and someone I cared about passed away.. yet I took those thoughts into my mind and heart and processed them and know that this journey has to continue.. back to accountability.. I have a support team that I put together after I got out of "rehab" and I know without a doubt you have to have that support and accountability.. if you are interested in learning about this program please let me know and I can steer you in the right direction or contact Rayna..💜💜❤️❤️

Monsters

Cool breezes and a Fun Life: Monsters

Are you freakin kidding me?

I am not ready to work an accident. I used to love working accidents. My heart would race and together with the medics and fire, we would rock the scene. I was able to focus on the job and didn't think the images, smells and outcomes of the accident bothered me. However in the last year when my world came crashing down, I realized that all those accidents I have worked, the death and destruction was building up and weighing me down. I wake up dreaming about bodies lying in the roadways, and babies being ejected and dying.
Today in Relief Society we talked about re-filling the oil in our lamps. It was a really great lesson. Sister Ruth gave an example of two different Dotera Oils. She said that she used the Lemon one when she could feel a sore throat coming on and it helped her not to get Strep Throat. She also had a bottle of Peppermint Oil that she uses when she is sick. She said that she gave the Peppermint Oil away to her daughter when her grandkids were sick and she used all the Lemon Oil up.
She said that a few weeks ago she began getting sick and went to get her oils and remembered that she did not have either one. She compared that to the parable of the ten Virgins when the five ran out of oil and the other five could not share their oil. She talked about being prepared and Heavenly Father blessing us as we worked to fill our lamps and keep them full.
My lamp was empty last year. I completely diminished the oil last year and did not fill it back up. Right now, I have a very small amount from the past few weeks of going to church, reading the scriptures and praying. I really have been working hard to begin to refill my lamp. I know and have been taught that "the lord will not give me more than I can handle", but I have to say, there have been a couple of times that I have questioned that. I know I am not supposed to question him, but sometimes I am just like "are you freakin kidding me".
Well Friday morning I admit that I looked towards the heavens and had one of those moments.
I left Mesquite at 0530 hours and headed to work. I began to enter the Gorge and something caught my eye just as I entered. I saw a black car that had been involved in an accident. By the time I got slowed down and stopped I was approximately 100 yards from the vehicle. I approached the vehicle and it was so dark in the gorge. I had my flashlight and as I approached I just kept trying to tell myself that the accident must have happened earlier and the DPS just did not get the vehicle towed. However deep inside of me I knew that I was kidding myself telling me that because DPS always tows the cars and gets the scene cleared up right away.
Just as I was thinking that my flashlight caught the movement of a person lying in front of the vehicle. I could see that he was very bloody, and my heart about dropped. I was not ready for that. I quickly looked up and said "Are you Freakin kidding me?"
I ran up to him and he was lying halfway on the front bumper of the car that had been ripped off. He had a very large laceration on his head and was unconscious. I began to shake him and was finally able to rouse him enough to get his name. He said that his name was Michael.
I ran around the vehicle to make sure that there was no one else in the vehicle and called 911. I knew that there were no DPS Officers on duty yet and that it would be a while before the medics arrived. I sat down by Michael and just did my best to comfort him and keep him awake. It was cold in the morning and I knew that he was cold. I was surprised how many vehicles passed the accident and no one stopped.
Finally another vehicle stopped and I was hoping that he had a blanket or extra jacket. He did not. I was concerned about getting hit with a rock as the trucks went by, but was ok. We were pretty close to the side of the road. I didn't want to move him though because I didn't know if he had any kind of head or neck injuries.
I know that no matter how I am feeling, I will always stop and do what I need to do. My training kicked in and took over my thoughts of self doubt and it wasn't until the patient was loaded in the ambulance and taken away to be flown.
I got a few moments alone and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Just about that time Filipe called to check on me and I know that was a tender mercy from our heavenly father.
In my mind I didn't think that I was ready to be facing this traumatic event, but I know that I am healing and that Heavenly Father will not give me more than I can handle. I also know now that I have shared some of my trauma and pain with friends and family, they are really making sure that I am okay and am not going to do anything stupid.
I am so thankful that my training kicked in and that I knew what to do. I am thankful for Tender Mercies from our heavenly father and know that he blesses me each day. I try very hard not to question him and am working very hard on trusting him. I don't always agree with what he places in front of me, such as this accident, because I feel like I am not ready to handle it, but I know he loves me and knows me and will take care of me.
My lamp is slowly beginning to fill up and although I have a lot of work to do, I just need to continue to trust and let him guide me. I am so very thankful for the amazing people that I have surrounded myself with in this journey of healing that I am going through.
I don't know that status of "Michael", but I am continuing to pray that he is okay. I know that I did my best and I know that I cannot beat myself up if something happened. I just have to trust that the fate of Michael is in Heavenly fathers Hands.

Monsters

Ok so I want to take a minute and share something very personal that somewhat makes me a bit vulnerable, but needs to be said. Please understand I am not writing this because I want any attention or recognition. Its a struggle I live with everyday, but there are so many others that do too and this is for them. I just need to let those that are struggling that there is help out there and there is HOPE. There are ways out of that pit of hell that some may find themselves in and I just want to share. Today is my "sobriety" Birthday. Honestly it has become a more special day than the day I came to this earth. It is a day that I was given a second chance to come out of that hell that I was in and begin to rebuild and heal. I still have such a long way to go and may never completely be there, but I do know I was given a second chance at life and had I not finally opened up and asked for help (which I thought I couldn't do because it would make me look "weak" and being a cop I could not do that). So if your struggling with addiction of any kind, depression, PTSD, whatever it is or maybe all three, there is help and hope out there and it does not show a lack of "courage" to ask for help, it actually makes you more courageous, because "it takes a village" and we cant always do everything on our own. Sometimes we are full of strength and are there for those that need us in their lives at that time, but other times we have to sit back and accept the help that others can give us, and asking is one of the first steps after we admit we have a problem. This is written for all those that are struggling. That have ghosts that haunt them. That are always lurking in the background just waiting for that one moment of weakness, so they can swoop in and knock you down.
I cannot begin to list everyone that has been with me on my journey. Not only my journey to sobriety, but my struggles with breaking down, moving to a new place, starting a new job, leaving behind friends and family, making new friends, being able to be there to help spread the word to first responders, and moving on and up in my career. This is for my family and those people that were placed into my life when it was my turn to ask for help.

Monsters
I thought about you today
In fact I think about you everyday
You are still there, lurking, waiting for that moment of weakness
That moment I let my guard down
That moment I am begging just to be able to sleep
To get the monsters out of my head
For just a few moments of peace
I fight you everyday
I am exhausted, please just go away for a few moments and let me rest
I don't want you anymore
You need to know that
I am not the same person you crept up on when you stole my mind and soul
I was weak, weak from the monsters that filled my head
Weak from the images one should not have to see
Weak from the smells one should not have to smell
Weak from the screams and cries one should not have to hear
Those monsters live, but your are a bigger monster
I couldn't fight you at the time
You disguised yourself as my friend
Someone who could give me peace, get me out of my head
Allow me to rest
Then you crept in and stole me
I was too weak to fight
I just wanted it all to end
It would be better for everyone
For me to just go away, disappear
I wondered around in the dark, breaking apart piece by piece
Was I a soul worth fighting for?
Well I fought, I fought hard and I still fight every single day
I fight for my life, my worth, my strength and courage
I fight to be with those I love
I fight to be an example to my brothers and sisters in blue and red
I fight you when I am at my strongest
I fight you when I am at my weakest
But I will win
I will remain strong
I will not only win, but I will go home at the end of the day
Because I am courageous and I am worth it.
‪#‎KT04242016‬ ‪#‎happybirthdaytome‬ ‪#‎Iwillwin‬ ‪#‎fightlikeagirl‬ ‪#‎askforhelp‬ ‪#‎hope‬ ‪#‎ftktkpkpcpvtforever‬