Nightmare's
Worthless, that's how I am feeling right now. Everything about me I was proud of and loved is gone. Gone in a moment that I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted to protect those I worked with, knowing I was not the same. I was weak because of this injury. This injury that I received on the job. Serving my community, yet I am being punished. I did not want to be a CSR. It's here now. I thought I may actually be able to trust that I was still a supervisor, but I'm not. My years of service gone in an instant. I hid it for so long, I should have just kept it hidden. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate myself and what I have become. I am nothing now. Badge and gun stripped. I was one of the good ones. I was proud of who I was. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I am just a no body now. The Sgts. hate me and I have no respect. I did this for them, yet I am nobody. Guess what happens to nobody's. They go away. I cant be a CSR. I just cant. They may as well put me in a cage. It's slowly killing me. Each day the pain is worse. The internal pain. The pain that has to be physically cut out and released. The pain that will not go away as long as I am caged. I don't want to be one. I don't want to dress like one. I have respect for the ones that we have, but it is not me. It's not supposed to happen this way. It's not supposed to be in my path. I was somebody, but now I am nobody again. I work so hard. My hard work doesn't pay off. Now I sit behind a counter. Nobody. Its getting closer to the time. Four years ago I tried and soon will do it again. Here lies a nobody. She used to be someone that people respected and looked up to. Then she told the truth thinking it would help those around her and it was a huge mistake. Just like me.
DONE! I will not be a CSR!

The Changing Hats

The Changing Hats

 

Each day I wake in the morning

And sit and ponder and pray

Then I get out my box of hats

And choose the ones that I need for the day

My life consists of many hats

My box is full to the brim

Some hats I wear over and over

Some are ragged, worn and thin

Some of my hats have come and gone

When I needed them, they were there

Some came at different seasons and times

Some I have given away and shared

When I reflect back on the hats I have worn

Discarding some, have brought pain and tears

Telling myself that a hat does not define me

Even when I have worn it for so many years

As I look to the future of the new hats I will wear

I get excited and can’t wait to see

The changes in my life as I clean out my box, and

The new hats that will be given to me

The old ones have helped create the woman I am

They continue to help me to grow

But just one hat does not define who I am

And when that season is over I have to let go

Letting go does not mean I have to forget

I can take that knowledge and share

And sometimes It’s even ok to take them all off

Take a deep breath, relax and let down my hair.

                                                                        KT 03/20/18