Matthew 18, 12-14
12. If a man have an hundred sheep and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray.
13. And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.
14. Even so it is not the will of your father which is in Heaven, that one of these "little ones" should perish.
So, sheep, have been on my mind for the last few days. Let me just start by saying that my life has been crazy the last few months and that is a whole other blog, but the result has been me having self esteem issues, anxiety and just trying to figure out who I am. I have been struggling a bit lately with where I fit in with my heavenly father. I know he loves me and blesses me each day, and I know that he is there for me, but let me just say I had an experience involving a sheep that at first was pretty devistating but now I look back on it and see that there was a huge lesson to be learned and that I know my heavenly father loves me and is always there for me "no matter what'.
It all started out when I was at work and there was a livestock truck that came to the port of entry. I was working with Chris and I observed that there was a sheep sticking it's head out of the top of the trailer. Its mouth was open and I could see its tongue hanging out, I thought it was dead up there. I saw the driver and pointed out the sheep. He told me that it was just hot and was trying to get some air. I didn't think too much more about it. Livestock trucks come throught he port all the time and although I know that the animals are going to slaughter, I don't really think too much about it. Well I try not to I guess. It's pretty sad actually.
A few minutes later I was looking outside behind the port where the livestock truck was parked and saw that the driver was chasing one of the sheep. I laughed and told Chris to look outside and together we laughed for a minute. The sheep was not cooperating with the driver. I realized that he was not getting anywhere with the sheep, so decided to go and help. I danced with that dang sheep for about 30 minutes trying to keep it from going onto the interstate where it would get killed or worse cause an accident and kill someone else. However, it got past me and ran down the ramp towards I-15.
So, we made a few calls to Utah Highway patrol and the driver went after the sheep on foot. One of the other Arizona officers drove up about that time and I sent him to go help. I thought I was done with that dang sheep.
I watched them chasing the sheep and just couldn't sit still. I kept thinking about that one sheep and a scripture from Matthew popped into my head about if a sheep goes "astray doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray". Ugg stupid sheep, it was causing so much trouble. However it was the safety of the vehicles traveling on the interstate that we were concerned with and at this time it was a huge safety hazard to have that thing running around.
So off I went to herd the lone sheep. I made contact with a couple of deputies and a highway patrol officer. We didn't really know what the game plan was other than to keep the sheep off the Interstate. The driver was hanging out with the sheep and that poor sheep was clearly scared. It had flashlights shining in its face and red and blues all over the place. It had people yelling at it and although I have heard comments the last few days about how stupid sheep are, it was really starting to make me sad. I somehow began to make this personal, thinking that the last few months I have been that lone sheep. I have been lost and all I have wanted was for someone to come and find me, and bring me home. I know that it takes an effort on my part as well, but I just have not had the energy or strength to do it. I just wanted to get that sheep reunited with its herd. I knew it was going someplace where it was probably going to be killed, but It was not going to be killed on my watch.
I took an oath 14 years ago to protect the sheep from the wolves of society. I have never had to protect one in real life, but the nature of my personality just took over and I was on a mission. I knew that I had to do this, and I knew if I did not, I would feel like I have failed. I looked into that sheeps eyes again, and again saw fear. It was the same fear I have seen on several of the victims that I have assisted with in my career, protecting the "sheep" in my community. I also knew that at one point a few months ago, it was the same look that I had on my face, when I was deep into my addiction, pushing away the other "sheep" in my life that were trying to protect me from my "wolves". I had to do this.
I went up to the top of the hill and attempted again to push this sheep back towards the port where it could be reunited with the truckload of other sheep. We were doing pretty well with the direction we were going, but then the sheep got scared again and took off the opposite way.
I continued to follow the sheep and attemp to push it back towards the port. The driver and I were able to get close to it, close enough that the driver dove at it attempting to catch it but he missed. He then asked me to shoot the sheep. I was devistated. I knew that I would be able to get out of it because we were technically in Utah. I told him that I would tell the Utah officers that he was giving them permission.
I walked down the hill, head down and tears welling up. Telling myself it was just a "stupid" sheep. I was so mad that that sheep, but as much as I was trying to tell myself that I was mad at the sheep, I felt like a disappointement. A feeling that I had had alot lately. I just couldn't do anything right. I couldn't get it back to where it needed to go, and now they were going to kill it. Stupid sheep....
I told the Sgt. that the driver had given permission to "dispatch" the sheep. He needed the driver to push it down the hill a little bit so that he would have a better shot. I followed the sheep with my light, knowing that in just a few minutes it would be dead. It would be different if it were for food or survival, but it was useless. I kept telling myself I was doing my job by keeping the occupants of vehicles on I-15 safe, trying to justify that this is what needed done, but it was killing me. Stupid sheep...
We got the animal in a position where a clean clear shot could be taken. I was pissed off at that time because there were so many other things that could be done. Where were the people that rope it, where was someone with a tranquilizor gun that could just knock it out for a while so it could be moved. So many people were letting the sheep down, letting me down.
I guess I felt like if I could just save that sheep, it would mean that I was important, that I belonged here and that I was loved. It would mean that there was still some purpose in my life and I would be important in bringing back the lone sheep into the fold. I was angry and as the Sgt. prepared to shoot, I just couldn't bear it. I began to shake and soon I heard the gunshot, even with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I looked up and saw the sheep fall to the ground and began to shake. It didn't immediately die, and I couldn't stay there. I couldn't breathe, I had to get out of there. I began to walk fast towards the port, trying to catch my breath, tears streaming down my face. I failed that sheep. I failed it. Just like I have failed so many people in my life. I have let so many people down and now I couldn't even help save a scared, lone sheep.
I broke down, so many feeling from the past creeping up, so many feelings of letting people down and failing them and myself. So many feelings of trying so hard to do it all but not being able to. So many visions of things, that are so messed up, that people shouldn't have to see. Anger, why did I even go back out there. I shouldn't have. I should have just stayed at the port. Anger that I KNEW I had to go back out there, I knew that I needed to be there. If anything maybe to just be some sort of comfort. Stupid Sheep...
I know that I have been that sheep, many many times. I know that I have people in my life that will do whatever they have to, to bring me back into the fold. I am blessed beyone belief. I have been forgiven by many for the things I have done that have hurt people. I have made many mistakes in my life, and I have learned lessons from those mistakes.
It took me a few days, but I have also learned a lesson from this incident. I know that not every sheep can be saved, and as heartbroken as I was from seeing it be dispatched, I thought about how sad it must make our heavenly father when one of us strays and cannot be brought back into the fold before its too late. He knows us personally and he is our father. This was just a sheep. I cannot imagine if it was one of my children that strayed and did not make it back into the fold because of bad decisions. I know that as a parent I would be devistated. I wouldn't know how to handle it.
Stupid sheep....
12. If a man have an hundred sheep and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray.
13. And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.
14. Even so it is not the will of your father which is in Heaven, that one of these "little ones" should perish.
So, sheep, have been on my mind for the last few days. Let me just start by saying that my life has been crazy the last few months and that is a whole other blog, but the result has been me having self esteem issues, anxiety and just trying to figure out who I am. I have been struggling a bit lately with where I fit in with my heavenly father. I know he loves me and blesses me each day, and I know that he is there for me, but let me just say I had an experience involving a sheep that at first was pretty devistating but now I look back on it and see that there was a huge lesson to be learned and that I know my heavenly father loves me and is always there for me "no matter what'.
It all started out when I was at work and there was a livestock truck that came to the port of entry. I was working with Chris and I observed that there was a sheep sticking it's head out of the top of the trailer. Its mouth was open and I could see its tongue hanging out, I thought it was dead up there. I saw the driver and pointed out the sheep. He told me that it was just hot and was trying to get some air. I didn't think too much more about it. Livestock trucks come throught he port all the time and although I know that the animals are going to slaughter, I don't really think too much about it. Well I try not to I guess. It's pretty sad actually.
A few minutes later I was looking outside behind the port where the livestock truck was parked and saw that the driver was chasing one of the sheep. I laughed and told Chris to look outside and together we laughed for a minute. The sheep was not cooperating with the driver. I realized that he was not getting anywhere with the sheep, so decided to go and help. I danced with that dang sheep for about 30 minutes trying to keep it from going onto the interstate where it would get killed or worse cause an accident and kill someone else. However, it got past me and ran down the ramp towards I-15.
So, we made a few calls to Utah Highway patrol and the driver went after the sheep on foot. One of the other Arizona officers drove up about that time and I sent him to go help. I thought I was done with that dang sheep.
I watched them chasing the sheep and just couldn't sit still. I kept thinking about that one sheep and a scripture from Matthew popped into my head about if a sheep goes "astray doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray". Ugg stupid sheep, it was causing so much trouble. However it was the safety of the vehicles traveling on the interstate that we were concerned with and at this time it was a huge safety hazard to have that thing running around.
So off I went to herd the lone sheep. I made contact with a couple of deputies and a highway patrol officer. We didn't really know what the game plan was other than to keep the sheep off the Interstate. The driver was hanging out with the sheep and that poor sheep was clearly scared. It had flashlights shining in its face and red and blues all over the place. It had people yelling at it and although I have heard comments the last few days about how stupid sheep are, it was really starting to make me sad. I somehow began to make this personal, thinking that the last few months I have been that lone sheep. I have been lost and all I have wanted was for someone to come and find me, and bring me home. I know that it takes an effort on my part as well, but I just have not had the energy or strength to do it. I just wanted to get that sheep reunited with its herd. I knew it was going someplace where it was probably going to be killed, but It was not going to be killed on my watch.
I took an oath 14 years ago to protect the sheep from the wolves of society. I have never had to protect one in real life, but the nature of my personality just took over and I was on a mission. I knew that I had to do this, and I knew if I did not, I would feel like I have failed. I looked into that sheeps eyes again, and again saw fear. It was the same fear I have seen on several of the victims that I have assisted with in my career, protecting the "sheep" in my community. I also knew that at one point a few months ago, it was the same look that I had on my face, when I was deep into my addiction, pushing away the other "sheep" in my life that were trying to protect me from my "wolves". I had to do this.
I went up to the top of the hill and attempted again to push this sheep back towards the port where it could be reunited with the truckload of other sheep. We were doing pretty well with the direction we were going, but then the sheep got scared again and took off the opposite way.
I continued to follow the sheep and attemp to push it back towards the port. The driver and I were able to get close to it, close enough that the driver dove at it attempting to catch it but he missed. He then asked me to shoot the sheep. I was devistated. I knew that I would be able to get out of it because we were technically in Utah. I told him that I would tell the Utah officers that he was giving them permission.
I walked down the hill, head down and tears welling up. Telling myself it was just a "stupid" sheep. I was so mad that that sheep, but as much as I was trying to tell myself that I was mad at the sheep, I felt like a disappointement. A feeling that I had had alot lately. I just couldn't do anything right. I couldn't get it back to where it needed to go, and now they were going to kill it. Stupid sheep....
I told the Sgt. that the driver had given permission to "dispatch" the sheep. He needed the driver to push it down the hill a little bit so that he would have a better shot. I followed the sheep with my light, knowing that in just a few minutes it would be dead. It would be different if it were for food or survival, but it was useless. I kept telling myself I was doing my job by keeping the occupants of vehicles on I-15 safe, trying to justify that this is what needed done, but it was killing me. Stupid sheep...
We got the animal in a position where a clean clear shot could be taken. I was pissed off at that time because there were so many other things that could be done. Where were the people that rope it, where was someone with a tranquilizor gun that could just knock it out for a while so it could be moved. So many people were letting the sheep down, letting me down.
I guess I felt like if I could just save that sheep, it would mean that I was important, that I belonged here and that I was loved. It would mean that there was still some purpose in my life and I would be important in bringing back the lone sheep into the fold. I was angry and as the Sgt. prepared to shoot, I just couldn't bear it. I began to shake and soon I heard the gunshot, even with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I looked up and saw the sheep fall to the ground and began to shake. It didn't immediately die, and I couldn't stay there. I couldn't breathe, I had to get out of there. I began to walk fast towards the port, trying to catch my breath, tears streaming down my face. I failed that sheep. I failed it. Just like I have failed so many people in my life. I have let so many people down and now I couldn't even help save a scared, lone sheep.
I broke down, so many feeling from the past creeping up, so many feelings of letting people down and failing them and myself. So many feelings of trying so hard to do it all but not being able to. So many visions of things, that are so messed up, that people shouldn't have to see. Anger, why did I even go back out there. I shouldn't have. I should have just stayed at the port. Anger that I KNEW I had to go back out there, I knew that I needed to be there. If anything maybe to just be some sort of comfort. Stupid Sheep...
I know that I have been that sheep, many many times. I know that I have people in my life that will do whatever they have to, to bring me back into the fold. I am blessed beyone belief. I have been forgiven by many for the things I have done that have hurt people. I have made many mistakes in my life, and I have learned lessons from those mistakes.
It took me a few days, but I have also learned a lesson from this incident. I know that not every sheep can be saved, and as heartbroken as I was from seeing it be dispatched, I thought about how sad it must make our heavenly father when one of us strays and cannot be brought back into the fold before its too late. He knows us personally and he is our father. This was just a sheep. I cannot imagine if it was one of my children that strayed and did not make it back into the fold because of bad decisions. I know that as a parent I would be devistated. I wouldn't know how to handle it.
Stupid sheep....
