Words from Heaven

 Today is hard, the last month has been hard

You were the one I called when life was rough

I am trying to hear your voice tell me

"It's going to be okay, Kris be tough

You know where I am, and who I am with

You know this with all of your heart and soul

You know my sweetheart is by my side

We finally have the chance to grow old

Grandma said to tell you to keep your faith strong

Dad said be nice to Duke! and you CAN DO HARD

Grandpa said WE ARE A STRONG PEOPLE

Live this advice and you will go far

I miss you sis, I always will

Keep your head up and smile

REMEMBER what you have been taught

And we'll be reunited in a very short while <3 <3

 I had the coolest experience yesterday on the plane from Destin FL. to Charlotte NC. When I traveled to FL, no one spoke to me on either flight, so I was expecting the same thing when I returned home. When I sat down in my seat a very pretty lady was sitting there and said hello. I figured she was just being polite, I said hello back and then minded my own business. I had two of my shieldmaiden sisters in the seats in front of me and talked to them for a minute. I could see the lady listening to us and I finally asked her how her day was. I found out she lived in NC and was in Destin visiting her granddaughters. Literally as soon as she began to speak, I could feel something between us!

She then inquired about what the other girls and I had been doing in FL and I told her about the program we had just completed! She sat very intently listening. I then went on and explained about going in the ocean as a group on Monday night and how cold it was. The sandbags, and the journey. I told her about going to rehab and my very strong desire to work with first responders, be a speaker and write a book.

Before the flight was over we had exchanged social media information and this morning I received the most amazing message from her. I want to document it because it was so uplifting!

Good morning to you my Sister! I want you to know that you blessed me as well!! I know that I am blessed to now have you in my life. Whatever the purpose, however our journeys in life move, I know that The Lord God Almighty placed you in my heart. When I was choosing my seat for that flight I was mindful of what would be God's design in that flight. And there you come, bringing passion of your experience of the past few days on that beach! You shared your life in simple moments to me. I know how to pray for you! I want to be on the front row cheering you on when you start speaking publicly. May God richly bless your life even more than you have experienced. May you touch lives for HIM and shine your light from a deeper place and be a beacon of life and safety for those that need your "ministry". I told my husband about you and that I felt like I met a woman who could be my sister if I had one. You are a blessing and source of strength, life and encouragement. I thank God for you. 

I seriously was in tears! Receiving those words and feeling like she really understood my calling and where I was coming from was amazing to me. One thing I learned this week from Setema was that most people don't want us to succeed because they want us to stay at their level. I was so blessed by Mary's words and just love how she said she wanted to cheer me on from the sidelines!

I do have a calling and I feel it very strongly! I do want to pursue this coaching thing so that I can use my voice to make changes that need to be made for LE and other First Responders.

I will treasure these words for a very long time, even until I am buried six feet under! 

 The only finish line in this earthly journey we have been given is that time when we cross the veil and return to our Heavenly Father.

We were "trained, taught and educated" from an early age to look for the "finish line".

Now, don't get me wrong, small bits of our life do have one, however for the most part, it's a continuous grind.

I was reminded this week, not only by my own "Journey", but an observation of a journey of my sisters.

We all had to dig deep inside and observe within ourselves what that "Holy Cause" or "Why" that would kick our bodies into "low gear" and keep on going. For some, it was about mending relationships and family. For others, financial stability, spirituality or physicality.

As we were thrown into our "journey" we had time to reflect upon where we were going, where we had been and how to continue to build our "best selves"! My Journey included thoughts of family, trials and my future!

I observed that day that we all changed our focus and mindset about our Journey's the exact moment WE thought WE were DONE! The looks and body language told stories of defeat when being told "congratulations sister, you have completed the first leg of your journey, now circle around me and keep going"! This brought on self deflation, attitude, "lies" and "stories" saying "I cannot go any further"!

My friends, we have to dig deep and find the "holy cause" and most of all not just "endure to the end", but "enjoy the journey".

#shieldmaiden #kiakaha25 #findjoyinthejourney #holycause

Change the Stigma

 The Jungle, The Zoo, The Twighlight Zone, these are terms often used by police officers when roaming the streets we are protecting. One thing about it, it is the "Greatest Show on Earth"!

Unless you have rolled through the dark streets, highways and interstates at the "witching hour", you will NEVER truly understand it! The things that we see and experience in our careers is hard to describe outside of Law Enforcement. The sights and smells burrow deep into our very pores and seep into our very soul. We dwell daily in the underbelly of society. We most often deal with people on their very worst days, or moments! To us it's not just a "job" or "career", it's a calling! It's what we signed up for. It's exciting! Until it isn't!

Day in and day out, rolling around in the pits of hell each shift. Exposing ourselves to constant fear, hatred and darkness. Trying to shove those emotions down each day to transition back to what our families and friends expect of us - NORMAL! Stepping out of one roll to fill another. It's utterly impossible! The dark stays, we take it home, but we don't share! We can't! It's not "fair" to those around us! We are sheltering them, protecting them. That's what were supposed to do, right? However, the more we "protect" those we love, the further down we shove our "baggage". As the years progress the "photo album" in our head of everything we have seen, the demons we faced, begin to come alive! We literally birth them into existence because we didn't take proper steps to purge them, kill them, and eventually they take over!

Our biggest fear is not that of the demons we come in contact with, but the people we work for and with. Our biggest fear involves words such as "unfit, mental health and counseling"! Those words can pull us off the streets, into a desk, and that's NOT where we want to be!

I am fortunate because I am finally at a point that I am mentally healthy. I still struggle and deal with the trauma, but I know healthy ways to deal with it all now. It took alot of intensive and intentional work to make that happen. There were moments and seasons in my career that I was unsure if I would survive emotionally. There was always so much training that involved teaching us to shoot, drive and be physically fit. However, not enough moments of teaching us empathy for each other, how to deal with the death of a co-worker, a critical incident or a trauma.

Those areas are lacking. The stigma of asking for help needs to disappear. There is a war on Law Enforcement right now and too many agencies have people in charge that will not back their officers and turn their backs on them!

So, how do we change this? How do we make a cultural shift for the generations coming in behind us? How do we change the suicide rates, divorces, addictions and stigma about it being a "weakness" to ask for help?

I believe the changes need to come at the academy level. I believe cities, towns, counties and government agencies need to have REAL conversations with their administration. This culture has got to change! However, one of the simplest answers - it starts with you! So, what are you doing?

KT 01-26-21

Shield Maiden

What is a shield maiden? A shield maiden was a woman that chose to fight as a warrior amongst the men. I believe that the mentality of a shield maiden, is similiar to a modern day soldier or police officer. It is a calling. I am not sure why it was my calling, but it was and I am proud of who I was as an officer. I was and still am a Warrior. I don't work the road anymore, but I did my time and I was good at what I did. I am proud of my career. It was a hard choice to end it, and I struggled for a very long time, but have come to terms with it and have made my piece with my decision. 

 I saw a post today that resonated with me and why many of us struggle with the way we feel and act. It made alot of sense. "Since we have had the ability to hold a number two pencil, we have been programmed to have answers. We were praised if we did and shamed if we didn't. Our knowledge of answers were measured by percentages and letter grades. Then we grow up and life comes at us, and we realize that we don't have all the answers. This creates anxiety, we internalize and believe there is something wrong with us or our lives" I have struggled lately trying to define my "truth". I have been actively seeking what it is I am meant to do with my life now, because what I am doing is not cutting it anymore. I was not meant to sit at a desk. I need to be out, helping people, that's my calling and my truth. Life is about seeking truth. This call to action is what allows you to go through your own inner journey and in that process, shedding, growth, revelations and learning. Seeking what is honest to you is what will evolve you, position you and give your life meaning. NOT having all the answers. It's okay not to know. Just do what's honest to you. "My truth will never lead to regret". It's now my time! It's my time to tell my story, and all the shit I have been through, everything I have overcome, the heartbreaks, the hardships, what I need to rebuild, re-learn. I have been through hell, and guess what I survived. I am a warrior and the many years I didn't believe that were hard, but I am and I have served and saved. 

 As it says in Romans 8:28 "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose". ALL THINGS - that includes my mistakes and my failures - can work together. I have come to accept that the hell I walked through, the trials I have been given, and the path I have been on, have all come together to make me the Warrior, Queen, Shieldmaiden, soldier, mother, wife, friend,etc. that I am today. I know I was good in my calling in Law Enforcement because of my fire I walked through. I know my experience of addiction and going to rehab had built my character and more patient, loving and understanding. I used to be very judgemental, however I have come to realize that everyone has their story, their "truth" that they are living! I am blessed with a small circle of trustworthy people in my life that never gave up on me, that believed in me and brought back my Warrior Attitude. Now it's my time to reach out to others that are in that same situation.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same

WOW, is that powerful or what? I seriously love this quote by Maryann Williams and have decided that is my 2021 motto. I have chosen my word for the year and it is RISE! I will rise up to the Warrior that I know I am. I have remembered who I am and the game is about to change! I am working on forgiving those that have done me wrong. I am doing this for ME and not them. I decided it's time to let go and prevent their behavior from destroying my heart! It was exhausting and my soul was crying out to me for peace! I am healing from the damage, however it no longer controls my life! I cannot continue my journey and future growth with baggage, and ill feelings. I will no longer act like a victim and thankful for friends that arent afraid to tell me outloud that I was acting like one! My wounds were not my fault, however my healing is my responsibility and my charge. 

 I know that my story needs to be told. It has been said to me that I am too much of an "open book", however, I know without a doubt, that if someone would have shared their story with me, especially early on in my career, I believe I would have handled some situations differently. If someone would have told me, it's okay to ask for help, it's not weakness, it's courageous, I would have saved myself and my family alot of heartache! I know that when I tell the story of the mountains I have climbed and fire I have walked through, it could become a page in someone else's survival guide! So here is to me. To working on me. To giving myself permission to work on ME! To look in the mirror each day and absolutely love who I am! Who I have become and who I will continue to become! I am looking forward to my journey!

Level Up and Rise Up

The last few days I have had a chance to engage in some pretty deep conversations with my sweet husband. He is at a crossroads right now and it's time to make a decision regarding his career and future. For many months he has prayed that he would be given an opportunity for a new job, one that would allow him to grow and develope. His job right now was only supposed to be temporary and he is now two years into it. There is no where to go, no growth, no future. One night while working at Maverick, he overheard two men talking. One of the men was a manager for the new Panda Express that has just opened here. Lipe overheard him telling the other man that they were looking for good people to come work there, someone that was not afraid of hard work and someone that wanted to take their career to the next level. Lipe jumped in on that conversation and expressed his interest in that position. He didn't even really know what the "position" was, but knew at that moment, this could be an answer to his prayers. He had a conversation with the manager and was told how to go about applying online. Within a few hours, Lipe completed that application. He called me at work and was very excited. When he told me that he was being asked to come in later that morning for a "second" interview, I was confused and asked him "when was the first one"? He laughed and said, "apparantly when I was working at Maverick and he talked to me, that was the first one"! The next few days were a whirlwind of completing paperwork, shopping for uniforms and I knew something was different about this whole process when I found out that the manager met him at the Virgin River Cafe one morning to buy Lipe breakfast, and they talked ALOT about what Panda could offer my husband, it he wanted it bad enough. I have never seen someone take an interest in a future employee and I have found that this guy has been just what my husband has needed. Someone to give him the knowledge, skills and courage to press forward with something new. They initially decided to start him working four days a week and he would work around his other full time job. Lipe's "position" was the absolute bottome of the barrell, however with his manager by his side, he is already learning so much. They have talked alot about how a good manager has to know ALL of the positions, and it's an even better manager if they too started at the bottom. I have seen a change in my sweet husband, he doesn't see it yet because when it's time to step out of his comfort zone and learn the new position, he is nervous. He sees the others that have been doing it for many years and how fast they work. He feels slow, clumsy and akward. I keep reminding him that we have all been there when starting a new job. He has been working 80 hours a week now for the last 6 weeks. He is exhausted, but has not waivered. He is such a hard worker, but it's time to make a decision. His body needs rest, he is mentally exhausted, and when that mental exhaustion sets in, mistakes are made. I finally dug deep enough and found out that the biggest thing holding him back is fear. Fear of stepping out of that comfort zone, fear of the unknown and fear of being inadequite. We all have these fears. How often do we fail to reach our goals, because of fear. I have really enjoyed seeing the excitement in my husband that working around his manager has given him. One of the most important jobs as a leader is to "eliminate fear from the workplace". I have seen how Lipe has already grown by "Leveling up his associations", and I love seeing his self-esteem grow because someone became invested in him. Sometimes in life that's all we need, is just for one person to become invested in us. To show us that we we can do hard things and to believe in us. When we begin to feel that support it's amazing how far we can go. When we make that conscious decision to go to the next level, we have to see it, and the fastest way to see it is to be around people who are already there. What level do you want to get to? Is there someone standing in your way? Is it yourself? Choose one person that you want to associate yourself with and develope a realationship with that person. Are there toxic people in your life? People that don't understand your goals and dreams? Setema Gali states "If you have big dreams and aspirations, don't expect the world to understand you. They're average. How could they possibly understand your drive to be great ad to want something they hate? Ignore them and create your dreams". What are your dreams? Envision what you want, See it, surround yourself with positive people that will help you get there, and then go after it. Kia Kaha

Faith Over Fear

So I did a thing yesterday. I exercised my freedom to Vote. I am not going to lie, the feelings I had when I walked out of there were a mixture of pride, relief but most of all FEAR... a few weeks ago I saw my prophet stand in front of the world and remind us that if we are prepared and have faith there is no reason for fear... this election, pandemic and hatred that our world is seeing has really started to take its toll...when I hit that final step voting yesterday “SH&$” got real... I was definitely triggered and the fear rushed through my body, and the tears came rolling down my cheeks... my head began swirling with a hundred thoughts...”I didn’t feel prepared, have I done enough, am I a good person, what is going to happen if Biden wins? Will we lose our freedom? Will we become one of those countries we all hear about where the government is in complete control? What’s going to happen to my children?”

I saw my sweet husband sitting in the truck waiting for me and just like a small child when we are scared and see someone that protects us, I began to cry... I could see the look he was giving me, a look of confusion and as I climbed into the truck I blurted our how scared I am for the future...he comforted me but deep inside the fear continued to rise... we are only a few weeks away from this election and I have seen so many peoples demeanor change... I have seen good, decent people turn ugly towards their neighbor who has a different political view...I have seen them criticize and talk bad about friends and family who disagree about this pandemic and how it should be handled...Satan is hitting us very loud right now, the Holy Ghost is still that “Still Small Voice”, we are getting bombarded with the “LOUD” and chaos surrounding us!!! The stronger Satan is in our life is because he is fearful of us... he is having to be louder and fight harder to try and turn us...

I posted a pic of my sticker on FB that I voted and some of the fears I have been having... my sweet friend Christine reminded me and I quote: "The world is crumbling and I keep praying people will turn to Jesus, and pray for our leaders..I loved this quote in conference (This isn't about politics, it's about peace). All I can do is my part, and hoping we can bring a little more peace those in our homes and around us, all I have control over". 

I know that I need to just let go and let my heavenly father take the wheel. I need to lose the the weight of peoples opinions and remember that they have their agency just as I have mine. Something else I need to work on is "promoting what I love instead of bashing what I hate". I sometimes struggle with the people I work with bashing me and saying things behind my back, I tend to want to argue with them, but read something the other day that really resonated with me " Don't worry about those who talk behind your back. They're behind you for a reason"!!" My patrichael blessing says I will be a "woman among women, one that is looked up to by not only members of the church, but members of the community that you live in".

I am going to pray for my church leaders and the leaders of this country that I live in. I am proud that I served and although it was hard on me physically and mentally I would do it all over again.

I am choosing "Faith over Fear".